And no, it's not really something I'm entirely comfortable talking about. However, it IS something that's part of me, part of my life... so it seems useful to have it posted. This way, I know I can't run away from it.

It's just past 11:00 and my mother could show up any time between now and 1:00... the appointment is at 1:30 but I'm hoping she gets here early enough that we can grab a bite to eat. I'm bringing some Golden Grahams cereal with me - if I don't have something to snack on, I get all woozy - but an actual meal of sorts before would be good, particularly since she keeps flaking out when it comes to promising me a meal AFTER.

Although if she'd let me get a few nice stiff drinks instead, I would be MUCH more cooperative... *chuckles*

I've got two CDs burnt to bring with me, and I'm going to ask the Scott, who slept on the couch in the apartment last night after gaming, if I can borrow his CD player until after the appointment - I'll make my mom take me to wherever he is to drop it off before she drives me home. It would really help, having music... as I'm sure you've noticed, music lets me get my thoughts going Elsewhere, away from reality. When reality is a needle in my hand, going Elsewhere is a GOOD THING.

I'm mostly over the pout-and-sulk mood I was in last night; right now, it's up to Facade whether or not I'm allowed to speak to Him, and although it's really frustrating me... I will accept it. This is one of a very long list of reasons that I am in some way glad to be in a collar right now: it's teaching me to accept things, more than I had been. I... hm. I guess you could say that it's making me think about my actions and reactions more now than I had been.

I'm growing up. *chuckles*

No, I don't intend for this arrangement to last any longer than it HAS to; and no, you don't get to know why it HAS to be there. But... while it's here... I am/we are not only accepting it, but grateful for it.

Can't help missing my boys, though.

It's been quite a while since I've talked to Caleb, either on the phone or online... I really miss him. There's lots of drama, high emotion, between myself and Kadin... ditto myself and Torian. Caleb... not so much drama... but love, and stability, and support, and comfort. Caleb is the rock that keeps me upright through all these emotional tempests.

I'm pretty tired; I ended up going to bed around what, 5:00 6:00? ...something silly like that, early this morning at any rate. I could have gone to bed earlier but I was working out my frustrations, talking with the great and wonderful Meganlala... oh! That reminds me!

There's a diary that we like, one http://dearshabby.diaryland.com - it's an advice column of sorts. Do me a HUGE favor, go ask the old ducks a question or three? They only update when they get asked questions, and I am desperate to read more! So. Go. Ask. You might even get some useful advice. *chuckles again*

I need to get going - Deborah is up and about and has been nice enough to let me keep using the computer for this long. I'll be back gods-know-when tonight; likely before 9:00 pm my time (yes, this is an unsubtle hint to any Kadins, Calebs, Torians, etc. who might be reading this and wondering whether it would be useful to call between 9 pm and 11 pm, pacific time).

Wish me luck...

...wish Raven luck, she's the one who will deal with the needle today.