"And I would be the one / to hold you down / kiss you so hard..."

I miss a lot of people. I'll admit it. I miss Kadin, miss snuggling him and laughing with him, watching him with fascination... I still can't believe he's mine, some days. I have a hard time believing he'll return, if only because he was, he IS, so perfect, so pleasing.

I miss Caleb, snug and safe at home, more than likely a touch stoned - Caleb, UPDATE! - reading, being his usual self... MY Caleb, and this fact makes me purr extatically each time I think it.

I miss Nick, my bard. He's going into the military, you know... and right now that scares the crap out of me. I can imagine him dying, fighting, bleeding... I hate that thought. I want him to come home, to come HERE, safe and alive and part of my life.

I miss Alex... both of them, but right now I miss my feline-Alex more than the shade of what was. I miss his dry humor, I miss the tales he spins of a life I've never seen, I miss the way he makes me smile at the oddest moments and leaves me breathless with pleasure from verbalized kisses.

I miss Daris, who I've not talked with in days. I miss his quick laughter, the gentle touch of his thoughts across our link, I miss the certainty that he is staring at a computer screen too, his fingers tracing the chain that is physical proof of a dream he and I share.

I miss Nreshan, miss the constant struggle, frustrating as it is. I miss the moments when he would actually give in, accept his needs, and let me in. He's got such strong walls, built higher than I've seen in years, wrapped and girded with pain that I have a hard time seeing past, some days... today, though... today, I can remember him as I've only seen him a few times. Curled up... helpless, but protected... hurting, but happy... content to be himself.

I miss Rhett, not the play of words, not the sharp exchanges, none of it... what I miss most is just the sound of his voice as he explains the latest story or event or anything, the realization that the words he's speaking are something just between he and I, no text records, nothing saved except the memory of them, echoes that keep me smiling for hours afterward.

I miss Angel... but my reasons for that you know.

I miss Richie, I'd thought about him today, and I miss his silliness and his oddness and the fact that no matter how much he and I flirt, it's all just fun. He's a tangled ball of emotions and he lets me toy with them, a little cat with a ball of bright-colored string, and I miss that.

I miss the wench, miss teasing her, joking with her, teaching her... I miss the way she makes me watch my step, careful again to teach her only the best things, to show her only the best examples, wanting to leave her better for my existance, for our friendship.

I miss my mp3 collection, miss a few songs that aren't in it yet. I want to hear my music, the songs that wrap me in emotion and leave me breathless, crying, aching... but better, healing. I miss being able to heal.

Most of all, though... most of all I miss ME right now. My splits are shifting, rearranging, and it's at a very confusing phase... I can't wait to get it straightened out.

I miss feeling sane.

I miss feeling treasured - I know I AM, I know that just because I'm not hearing it right now doesn't make it any less real, and yet I want to hear it.

I miss feeling safe... that's not something I'm good at, feeling safe. I keep finding problems, discovering holes in my defenses... I keep finding new reasons to fear. Bad habit.

I miss feeling two warm bodies, one on each side of me, knowing full well that at a moment's notice I could demand a kiss, or a tear, or send one of them to run an errand, or just hug them both... and it would be ok.

I miss watching my boys.

I miss touching them.

I miss listening to them.

I miss holding them.

I miss them.

I miss me.

...and now that I've said it, stated it all... now that just maybe my lonliness can wander electronic pathways rather than cluttering up my thoughts, now that with any luck I'll be able to sleep... I'm going. Maybe going home. Maybe just curling up on the sofa here and crashing. I don't know. I'm not sure I care.

I just... gah. I just miss people, things, feelings, so strongly that I'm near tears. Very frustrating.