It's been hours and hours, and I'm still smiling.

There's lots of new songs - I logged on, discovered ICQ hates me again, updated after fighting DiaryLand for a minute, left WinMX downloading lots of stuff from the Gladiator soundtrack, and went to bed. Now I have a ten+ minute song, a couple of shorter ones, and more STILL downloading to add to my playlist.

Woke up a couple hours ago because they were playing a Jet Li movie upstairs... went up, watched it. Smiled a lot. And I'm still smiling.

I'd just about talked myself into something stupid, tonight... no, not TERMINALLY stupid, not doing that, remember? But silly-bad. Now... all I can really do is sit here.

I am astonished at how good it feels to just exist, this evening. The world is golden and glowing, my body... gods, it hurts, I haven't had any painmeds today and my body is clearly not healed - I'm bleeding heavily (it's been over two weeks now, I am SUPPOSED to have stopped bleeding half a week to a week ago) and cramping painfully.

But I can't bring myself to really care. Not tonight.

Tomorrow I try calling doctors again, see what's going on with all this. Tomorrow I will be cleaning, back to stressing and worrying and caring about far too much. Tomorrow is going (hopefully) to be a Productive Day.

Tonight I am here. Existing. Surviving. Living.

There's a core to me, tonight. Something hungry, but... not ravenous. Not at the moment. I've had my fix, you might say. I got a bit of what I needed earlier... and then I got to talk to someone delicious... I'm liking this. I feel like I am alive, like I want to keep being alive.

That core, that animal, is still there, prowling around the edges of my thoughts. A bit too much drumming in the music I listen to, a bit too much rare meat, hell, all I need to do is breathe wrong, and poof. Full-blown desire.

But... somehow... I'm not quite going over that edge, tonight.

Tonight I'm content.

I know this won't last, any more than the bad times last. I know that this isn't all there is to life. Wouldn't it be nice if it was, though? It feels good, to be this happy. It feels good to smile. It feels good to remember that little tiny catch, the almost-surprise that curled through and around and into every other word...

It feels good.

Talia, I owe you one hell of a favor... *amused* ...thanks to you, tonight is wonderful. *nuzzles her wench*

And you know, tonight Israel doesn't seem all that far away.

Tonight, the world got just a little bit smaller, just a little bit closer to home.

's all good.