A Long And Complicated Explanation
Previous - this entry written on August 28, 2001 at 4:57 am - Next

Been reading this. Hm.

Gave me a few things to think about.

One thing it suggested is something I've thought about for a while but never really gotten around to doing - the list of 'main characters'. Why haven't I done such a thing? In my life, GAH! The list could potentially be endless.

Still, it's a place to start. If you think your name should be on this list, then by all means, let me know! Incidentally, as I write that link, there is NOT currently a page there... it's gonna get written after this entry.

That's right, I'm not done yet.

Another question this very amazing article asked is why I'm writing. Why do I bother, why do I write about what I do, why am I here... lots of why questions.

The best place to start would be my stories. I write a lot of fiction, most of it BDSM-related in some way, a lot of it somewhat depressive and featuring cruel women, helpless slaveboys, or sometimes cruel men and helpless slavegirls. I occasionally write same-sex stories, but more often it's reasonably straight, with the only same-sex action being forced upon its participants. I write those stories to get OUT the twisted, uncomfortable, beautiful, horrible, wonderful, frightening, strange stuff in my head. Often, once it's on a page I can forget about it.

It's that last line that prompted me to really start a journal. See, in normal life I have a lot of anger, depression, rage, frustration... all the unpleasant emotions. I don't WANT to rage out at people I care about. I don't WANT to scream and shout, or curl up in a little ball, or hide, or run, or fight... I want to be a reasonably cheerful, happy, average Jax. However, a) I need a bit of soap-opera in my life or I'm Just Not Happy and b)... hm. I just forgot what b) was going to be, and am lost in the joys of cold caffeinated Cream Soda. Thank you, Caleb. *grin*

But my point - oh, yes, I had a point - is that for me, this diary is often a rantbox, a place where I can put many of the same things that drove me to write my stories. I can express things here and go on.

Another reason I write is because I have a hectic life and a poor memory. I LIKE being able to go back and say 'hey, cool, now I remember what I was doing on that day' or to update one journal instead of trying to remember the ten people I need to / want to tell about some event. I honestly don't always remember what I did, 24 hours later. I don't keep track of things as well as I would like. A journal helps me with that.

Why an online journal? Why am I spilling all this out to the masses instead of keeping it decently private like most people would?

Let's get one thing straight. I am a technophile. A net junkie. I am addicted to this blasted machine and if our connection to the internet goes, so does my sanity. I spend more time online than I do sleeping and eating... partly because the computer is often left online while doing either of those... I eat at the computer, occasionally catnap leaning on the desk, I write and work in photoshop and play with MIDI creation and masturbate and talk to friends and even talk to people sitting practically next to me, all of that is done HERE. Makes remembering to update a LOT easier. It also makes me feel just a bit more 'connected'... yeppers, if they would let me put a wire straight into my skull and link it to the computer, I'd be all for it. *wry grin*

Why do I write about what I write about? This is something that a few of my readers and friends have asked me as well. Short and sweet answer? It's what's on my mind the moment I sit down in front of the computer.

Again, this is where my memory and I don't get along. Sometimes I will mean to write up a wonderful long entry in praise of something... and get distracted, depressed, or whatever, and just rant. Sometimes I'll be intending to rant... and be interrupted midstream by something good, and change my mind.

It's all in the moment.

Yeah, a few things I make a point of writing about, again in the spirit of 'hey, I don't have to email them now'. Births, deaths, major issues with work or home life, anything seriously affecting my health, etc. If I go into the hospital, it'll get mentioned here. If I get married, ditto... and you're all invited. *grin* If anything in my life happens that I think is worth talking about at all, it will get mentioned here... if I can remember it.

So why don't I edit myself, why do I refuse to delete anything?

I am writing this for myself as well as for anyone who happens to be reading - more for myself than for them, in fact. Sorry, but it's the bare-bones truth. This is both my catharsis and my memory-replacement. To edit it, to delete entries, to censor myself in any way, defeats both those purposes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not forcing ANYONE to read this except Kitten. *smile* If you don't like what you read, if you find it unamausing or insulting or boring or offensive... STOP READING.


You don't have to keep reading, and if you do, I ask that you remember you chose to read. This IS a very personal journal, and I'm not always willing to talk about what I write. It's always been easier for me to write than to verbalize things. Sometimes writing them down here helps me to be able to talk about them, sometimes it doesn't. If it DOES and I think we need to talk, I'll do my best. But if I say 'I don't want to talk about that', please take it at face value and let the subject drop for a while. Email me. Write about it in your own journal. If it's in text, I will try to respond and you've got a better chance that I'll succeed. *shrugs*


The article pointed out that good content contains details - I'd like to think that I have plenty. TMI? Maybe. But a year from now, I am going to want to know what his kisses tasted like, what her breasts felt like, what song was playing when I was writing and what clothing I was wearing... because I won't remember.

I put in details because they make it real. They make it alive. They are what turns each entry into something that I will be willing to see again.

Style, another topic covered in the article. They point out that style over substance is a bad plan. I agree. So why do I keep changing my diary layout? Partly because I AM a part-time graphics designer, full-time given the chance. I like a chance to show off some of the stuff I come up with when I'm bored. I like to play around just doing things for ME sometimes, not for work.

Partly because my mood changes and I want my diary to reflect that. This place is supposed to be ME - I change what I wear, how I speak, my feelings, my emotions, my attitude, on a daily basis... why shouldn't my journal change occasionally to match? *grin*

Yes, I do graphics for other peoples' journals. Ask me nicely and I might do you a set. Offer to pay me and you KNOW I'll do you a set - I am not rich and can always use the money. The main reason I do graphics though isn't the money, it isn't anything except the fact that I LIKE making pretty pictures. It's what I do.

Hmm... I think I'm about out of words for now. I'm going to go work on that Character List now.

And hey... thanks for reading.

I don't think I say that often enough. I do like to be read. I do like knowing that someone out there is not only glancing over my words but paying a bit of attention.

That's the other reason I write. It's not the main one, but it's there.

I want people to know me. I want people to see who I am, not just who I might seem to be on a given day. I want people to understand, to just maybe be a bit more sympathetic the next time they interact with an oddball like me.



I'm done. *bows gracefully and walks offstage, preparing for the next scene*

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