In Which our Hero Faces Her Addiction
Previous - this entry written on 2001-05-26 at 10:55 p.m. - Next

Ok, I am dragging a conversation from my guestbook into here... gonna do a nice little rant on it. *blink* Ok, I must be stoned, I don't think I've called ANYONE's rants, least of all mine, nice. I think I need some sleep.

However, rant first, sleep later.

Percoset... as far as that icky drugged feeling, it actually hits me LESS with percoset than with a full dose of vicodin. Vicodin... feels better. It's a drug high, not just a lack of pain, that draws me to it. As I've said before (I think) vicodin is one of the few things that makes my life livable some days. It really does seem to act both as an anti-depressant and just generally as a de-stress drug. With a couple vicodin in me, I've managed to fight down panic attacks that without the vicodin would send me running for a hidey-hole, crying and nearly throwing up.

Yeah, the memory loss and inability to really be productive bothers me. I LIKE getting things done, if they are things that matter to me. And my memory is bad enough without drugs. I prefer percoset for those reasons - it seems to interfere less with my memory and does less to block the energy I need to actually get up and DO things. However, when it comes to having an actually good day, when all is said and done the vicodin really works best. I may not be as willing to do work, but it doesn't matter how willing I am if I can't work up the courage to face people and feel so depressed that I just sleep through the day, neh?

Ideally, I would alternate, taking vicodin when I knew I needed to deal with people or when my depression and mood swings got bad, and switching to percoset when I had serious work to do but didn't have to worry about panic attacks. Unfortunately, try explaining this to a doctor. They suggest you get psychiatric help, tell you you're addicted, and in short, STOP GIVING YOU PAINMEDS. This is bad.

As Caleb explained to me, it's not just that I am chemically addicted, it's that I really DO hurt... I feel a lot less guilt about my addiction right now, since realistically, I'm not taking it for fun or recreation, I'm not taking it because I need it to get through the day. If they can provide me with ANY painkiller that effectively stops my pain, I'll switch - I am addicted to not feeling pain, rather than to any specific drug.

Yes, I prefer vicodin. Yes, I most likely am chemically addicted to it at this point. And NO, I don't intend to let any addiction, particularly not a drug addiction, rule my life. I'm stronger than that, better than that. I have things I want to accomplish, and I know I can't do them if I am dependant on drugs to make it through life. Right now, with the amount of pain I've experienced, I feel that taking medication is necessary. However, I've also set myself a deadline.

Kadin arrives July 4. I told him that the week before he gets here, he will not be allowed to cum, he will barely be allowed to play with himself... and I did NOT tell him what I am doing in return.

Barring a major medical emergency, the day he arrives I will have gone at least one week without taking anything stronger than advil, and that only in the recommended dosage. If I can manage it, I'll have been drug-free for two weeks.

He deserves a mistress who is ruled by her own will, desires, and common sense... not her cravings and drugs. I deserve a chance to prove to myself that I can beat this addiction.

Wish me luck, please... I know I'm going to need it.

Today I got a vicodin refill - twenty pills. I have already taken three. I intend to cut down my dosage after today, to see how few I can take in a day. If I can go through a day only taking two vicodin, I'll reward mysefl... *wicked grin* ...with the purchase of a collar for Kadin. I had promised him a shopping trip... but I'd rather have the collar before he even arrives, hide it somewhere safe, and when we go shopping refuse to buy a collar for him.

He'll ask why I changed my mind... I'll tell him he has to earn it. *smile* Knowing him, he'll start that night... and it will be a LONG night. The next morning, if he does well, I intend to wake him not with a kiss, or gentle words, but with the feel of leather and steel circling his throat.

So that's my reward, if I can cut down to two BEFORE I run out completely - it doesn't count if the only reason I take two is because I only have two left.

I'm going to manage it. I'm going to do it.

I hope.

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