"Which means one thing, at this rate: find some way to get Becca to behave like something OTHER than a spoiled, passive-aggressive 15-year-old. I can't do much about my health, he can't do much about insurance, and our personal issues are mostly centered around my cleaning (which I intend to try to do better at). This, though... yeah.

"If Becca can't stop pouting and sulking damn near 24/7, going out of her way to make him miserable, complaining that she's not getting laid when frankly, if she'd just SHUT UP about it, act like a girlfriend instead of a Jewish wife with serious physical/emotional hangups and a taste for torturing my love, maybe NOT rant about it in one form or another Every Damned Night... yeah again. She's gotten on the nerves of just about everybody in here."

That, folks, was what I posted regarding Becca recently. Her response can be read here and you're encouraged to go take a look (as well as read her past entries) before you dive further into this one. Also keep in mind this is catfight stuff - I refuse to play fair when it comes to my boys' health and hearts.

Now, her entry doesn't exactly get to the point of what I was saying. Ryan's phrase for it is that it's a bunch of straw men - things set up just a bit away from the real target, distracting attention, lots of them built in a hurry. Still, I'll be polite and answer each thing she raised before going into the rest of my rant here.

To go point by point:

1. I know perfectly well you're sick. So are we. Usually from stuff we caught from you. I also know that most of your bad moods aren't directed specifically at Ryan or at me, but as we both tried explaining to you, when you're moping and pouting and getting VISIBLY ANGRY or VISIBLY HURT by nearly everything Ryan says and a fair chunk of what I say, it doesn't matter who you started out being grumpy about. After three fucking hours of this shit, you've made it personal. You don't mean to snap at Ryan? Then go home. If you KNOW you're in a bad mood and that nothing is likely to change it, we'd prefer if you said so BEFORE you spend half an hour complaining and stopping halfway through. See, when you STOP in the middle of an arguement or when you suddenly CHANGE DIRECTION onto another subject alltogether you leave your friends and mates confused and hurt and desperate to keep up. When their failure to keep up seems to piss you off more, eventually all they - Ryan specifically in this case - can do is sit there and be miserable.

The few times he has tried to leave, to give you time, you have gotten upset and at least once stated that 'obviously he hated you, since he wouldn't stay'. So now he stays. It hurts him. It confuses him. It leaves him so worn out that once you leave, I can SEE him quite literally collapse, sometimes in tears, because he doesn't know why you keep doing this.

2. The times you've had a problem that was Ryan's fault or my fault we've BOTH tried to work it out, to do whatever we could to fix it. Ryan's doing better on communication, as am I hopefully, since you said it was a problem. We call. We thank you. The last time you stormed out you were insisting YET AGAIN (we'll get to that bit later) that no one thanks you when dammit, I made sure to thank you twice that day just in case you didn't remember the first time.

3. You frequently mention to Ryan and to me that your frustration and bad moods and so on and so forth are in large part because you're not getting laid. It's a FREQUENT topic of conversation, and YOU are always the one bringing it up. Trust me, neither Ryan nor I ever do - we keep hoping that if you leave it alone for a while you'll actually calm down enough that sex with you is fun. I've gotten laid. I've gotten laid well, and fairly often, and why? Because I don't pester him about it. Because I don't bring it up in conversation as a 'but you aren't doing this'; I tend to bring it up as a 'hey, look, something neat to think about'. I don't flip out every time he mentions other women - there are some specific exeptions but believe me, I know more about his fantasy life than you've ever tried to know. You don't masturbate - I know you say you just don't know how but there are BOOKS, there are VIDEOS, and you're more than welcome to borrow the vibrator for a week to practice.

Something else to consider: no, you don't TALK all that much about sex. You'll dive in briefly, or sit around when everyone else is talking about sex. What do you do? Sit there. Gritting your teeth - visibly. Becoming impatient and/or frustrated - visibly. Frequently if the discussion is held in the main room you'll sit there long enough to realize we're all having a pleasant conversation about sex and within five minutes of the first laugh you storm off, and I do mean STORM OFF, in a huff. You're not a virgin, ashir. You're (hopefully) intelligent enough to know that Humans Talk About Sex, at least around here. If you are visibly upset every time the topic comes up, if you glare at Ryan each time someone mentions when they got laid, if you flinch and shake off his hand if Ryan touches you when we're talking about sex in any way... would YOU want to fuck you, oh cunt-full-of-issues?

4. I know you're concerned about his health. If I didn't think you cared that much and loved him that much, you wouldn't have been here in the first place, woman. We've told you repeatedly that he needs sleep, privacy, rest. Most days I stay the hell out of his way, letting him play games or use the computer, trying my damndest not to demand attention. I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying maybe you didn't realize how much stress you were causing. Note I didn't say 'adding to'. I said CAUSING. Did you get that yet? YOU CAUSE RYAN STRESS. You cause him enough stress that his eyes look dead after more than a few hours walking on eggshells around you. It hurts to watch him. It hurts to know that every time you start screaming or ranting or raging or sulking, you're ripping a hole in his heart that you don't seem to SEE.

5. Ent'fika, I don't expect you to forget a damned thing. I don't expect anyone to, which is why I'm agreeing and understanding Grr's 'outa here', why I don't complain when people look at me funny or don't trust me as much, why I have been trying so hard to write in here as often as I can. I guess most of what I'm wondering is WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? If you're trying to claim that you're all stressed with considering my feelings, then I'm sorry, and I don't know what to do. Personally, I'd recommend either talking to a good psychologist - NOT a talkie-talkie guy but someone who has the authority to issue drugs and who just maybe can help you STOP caring. Some people aren't worth caring about and honestly, in the situation you and I are in, it might help you if you could back off. A large part of my depression still isn't gone and believe me, I'm doing my best to get rid of it. I don't WANT it. *shrugs slowly*

6. We've ALL been bad company lately, and believe it or not, I'm taking that into account. I'd love to have a quick answer here too. Thing is, in a lot of ways you DO have a point here. I do snarl. I do bitch. I do take things out. And EVERYONE here in the household has at some point or another told me to fuck off because I was being a bitch. Your turn... but oh, I forgot. Every time someone here tells you to cut it out you start ranting about how it's not your fault and that you're just frustrated and that they should leave you alone. Rule One of life: You do what you do. If YOU are the one bitching and snapping and making people miserable, YOU are the one who they will tell to cut it out. Got that?

Ryan and I have spent quite a while talking about my own moods lately and trying to figure out what to DO about them. Not 'oh, just time of the month' or 'oh, suicide girl' or anything like that, rather a conscious effort on the part of ME and on the part of US to get to the source of this. Have you done that? Have you actually sat down and wroked some of this out?

Point B in this section: yes, I would rather you snapped to begin with instead of spending three+ hours sulking and snarking and THEN snapping. Get it over with. One of the things that I learned working as a Domme and that I still have to struggle with sometimes but I know is important: if you're angry, get it OUT and get it GONE. If you leave it stewing you're going to damage someone. Anger is for football games and viking battles and catfights. If there's something bothering you, YES, trust us enough to rant about it out loud FIRST. If you don't think you're calm enough, go outside and walk, or scream into a pillow, or something. The tension is a lot of what causes the stress.

See, I'm not upset that you rant. We ALL do that. It's your timing, your buildup, and your method of attack that need work. Just in case I didn't mention this before: most of your arguements that I've heard or been part of, you start on one thing and by the end of the arguement you've gone to china and back. Stick to the subject, get your anger at THAT out of the way, then go on.

7. Thank you. What, did you expect me to be upset that you like Ryan? Just keep in mind that although YOU can hear the voices in your head, we can't. Your actions can speak a lot louder than words and they don't always say what you think they do. Start paying attention.

8. Right. Have I EVER said that you shouldn't cry, or that your tears are fake? Ever? Where? When? Why is it that no one else in the household can remember me complaining about crocodile tears? Look, yet again: don't dance around. My last post didn't MENTION tears, that's your own precious addition - if you're that defensive when it wasn't even mentioned, SHOULD I start talking about crocodiles?

9. I know perfectly well why you were crying Saturday. Yet again, a straw man. Jinga - and gods, but right now I wish it was jinai - you KNOW the food situation here. If you think you're going to be hungry, bring something. Or better yet, if you're hungry, don't say over and over and fucking OVER again 'but I'm so hungry, maybe I should go home'... try a 'please Ryan, will you help me find something to eat' or a 'please Grr, is there something specific it's ok if I eat' or a 'please Jax, help me figure out/cook/whatever something'. Try fucking ASKING instead of the passive-aggressive (and that's the only term for it) whining you do.

10. Usually if you say 'I don't know' and Ryan doesn't follow it up with questions, petting, attention, you stomp and storm. More often what you ACTUALLY say - and you need to pay attention to your words too, so you stop having this kind of mix-up... odd, for ME to be the one saying that - is that X is a problem maybe but you're not sure and you're just kind of confused... and when we try to talk about X you jump to Y, and so forth, until you have a huge list of problems to bounce around. Most of them are just more straw men, things that YOU could do something about or things that aren't even an issue at the time.

12. (No, I didn't skip 11, you did.) If trying to deal with depression on your own is best, don't sit in the middle of the bed and stare at Ryan like someone killed your dog and he pissed on it. Of course I'm going to glare at you - you're making my mate feel guilty for something we all three know isn't his fault and you're making him more stressed.

On a side note, you've said that if I got married to Ryan you'd leave. Does that include handfasting, and are you still aware that I intend to get all three of my boys in one place at one time and do just that? I'd offered to include you in the ceremony last time I mentioned it, if you and Ryan agreed on it, but you just said a rather bitter and sarcastic 'that's ok, I'm sure I don't need to be part of it, I'm not that important'. STOP THAT. You state frequently that you're not important, or that Ryan/Jax/Grr/whoever must hate you, or that you're stupid, or clumsy, or any number of another self-insulting things. Frankly, if you'd stop SAYING them, we wouldn't even consider them. *shakes her head*

13. I have said so. You haven't done so, haen't listened, haven't made any effort. Now I'm making it a bit more obvious and not just in private where you can forget it or deny it or argue it and change my words. No. Here you go: BACK THE FUCK OFF. Learn to either bring food or ask for food. Pay attention. If you hate talks about sex, or other women, or Ryan's actual Life, or the hundreds of random topics that come up around here, DON'T BE HERE. The household isn't going to change just to suit your particular hang-ups.

...so now I've done those. I've poked at your straw men, getting more and more frustrated at how often you completely missed my point. I'm going to try to put it into words a 15-year-old might understand, kk?

Pay attention.

Talk about/rant about problems BEFORE you turn into uber-bitch.

Deal with conversation here or don't be part of conversation here.

You stress Ryan out. You stress me out. Having you over every day for a while was cool, but after a long time where you don't grow, don't change, don't even kink, you just get...

...well...

...boring.

I know this is what's going to get your panties in a bunch, but I'm going to say it again: you get boring.

You're welcome here, and you ARE loved here. If you're willing to come over when the weekend hits and talk for a while with Ryan, then with Ryan-and-I, it'd be a good thing. Thing is, you gotta accept that life here isn't gonna be perfect for you.

I asked Ryan, once upon a time, for permission to see if I could properly break you in, get you to drag some of that internal monolog out, get you to pay attention, get you past adolescence and past teen hell and into normal life. It isn't what you need, though - some people, it's the perfect thing, submission. For you, it might not be right.

If you're really not going to be here for a while, try this: make a list of what you DO want. What you need. What you crave. What you hate. What you love. What you like. Write it all down, as much as you can. It's a starting-point. If I've been wrong about all of this, if everyone here has seen something that is the exact opposite of you, then introduce us. Show me, show Ryan, a bit of what you ARE. Don't just scream fragments in arguements that change a week later. Write it down.

I'm writing this here because it's what I am. What I feel. What I think. I'm not ashamed of it.

If you're not ashamed of you, try it.

If you ARE ashamed... either you need a much more sadistic Master or one hell of a psychologist. Possibly both.

*slight smile* ...and being as sadistic as I am at times, I'd volunteer for the first one. I honestly think that I could shape you into something Ryan would treasure.

Right now?

*shrugs slowly* Right now, you're someone and something he loves... but you're hurting him. As long as you hurt him, I will hurt you. I protect what's Mine.