Fever constantly breaking and reappearing every few hours, getting as high as 101 now. I'm out of thermometers, so I no longer have any idea what temperature I am at any given moment.

I woke up having dreamed I'd been raped... now first, a bit of detail: I'd tried masturbating, CAREFULLY and with short fingernails, before going to sleep. It hurt too much inside, too tender, to even cum.

So the waking up was a bit odd. Because you see, it was a slow waking up - in the dream I'd gotten made unconscious somehow, smothered or something, while whoever-it-was was finishing with me. So when I woke up, I stumbled out of bed, crying, hurting... I made it as far as the door to upstairs before I realized that it had just been a dream, remembered the parts of it that weren't real, etc.

Strangely enough, my entire vagina feels sore, torn, burning... it is now tender to touch on the outer lips, red and raw, it LOOKS like I was raped. ANd inside... *shudders* ...hurts too much for me to test more than the split-second fingerpoke I tried. I feel like I've been ripped apart...

...and yet I'm SURE it was a dream...

...I think I'm quietly loosing it, over here.

Absence, contrary to popular opinion, does NOT make me forgetful... I'm that all on my own. I owe Nick emails, phone calls, ME in a way or three... I owe Kadin some phone time and at least a bit of reassurance... Daris *hugs* I owe a long letter... ditto Hida... Arrasto, you know what I owe you. *slight grin* Spike-boy, I am as obsessed as ever. Drake *licksnuggle*, I DO miss you. And Alex... *sighs softly*

...I miss Dashwood.

My life is so chaotic right now... I want to go back to being a small mouse under a peach tree with only life, death, and sex to worry about.

I'm going to fly down to see Caleb soon.

I'm going to see the doctor in a week-ish.

I'm still trying to stay somewhat offline, to at least get over this addiction... my drug cravings (mostly for vicodin and that whole opiate family but also now for valium, thank you silly doctors, and for - of all things - antihistamines) are leading to some rather messy withdrawals that are not helping the pain or my emotional and mental state in any way.

My computer is fixed, courtesy of ZooHouse and specifically Spike, for which much gratitude and poinging, yes. *smiles* At least now I can work on graphics, maybe write or something.

And if you haven't, I strongly suggest going and listening to Sneaker Pimps "Bloodsport".

It's still on repeat on my computer.

I think it will be for a long, long time.

...'cause love is just a blood sport...