That's just how the Jax works... angry one minute, happy the next, apathetic the minute after that, then depressed, hyper, worried... it just goes on.

Rare to hold an emotion.

Rare to hold a thought.

Rare to hold anything except this vague sense that there's something I need to do that I'm not doing, something that I forgot... I get that a lot.

Craig Armstrong - Ball - from the Plunkett & Macleane soundtrack. Pretty music.

Classical court music mixed with techno.

My kind of crap. *wry grin*

I wanted to rant, to rave, to scream... I wanted to bitch about anyone and everyone who has ever hurt me... then I thought about it. Want to know who has hurt me the most, who has fucked me over, fucked me up, damaged me, ruined me, made me who I am? Want to know who the number one public offender is?

Me.

Yep. See, the way I figure it, even the times when other people have done things that upset or hurt or frustrate or annoy me, 9 times out of 10 I set myself up for it or let it happen. Sure, there are times when YES, someone can be an honest asshole all on their own... but rarely is it unprovoked or unencouraged or even decently fought.

So I guess maybe this is a mini-rant at my worst enemy: myself. This is for all the times I've just shrugged off responsibilities. This is for the times I've forgotten important stuff, remembered the worst of people rather than the best, believed gossip, believed my own ego, given in to temptation, given up when I should have worked harder. This is for every drop of laziness in my blood. This is for my MPD, self-inflicted and kept going by who? Yep, me. This is for my addictions, my fetishes, my mood swings and hormone imbalances and constant attitude changes.

This is for everything I am and have been, every way I have ever hurt myself.

This, as I said, is a rant about me.

Every time I've hurt someone else by forgetting them or ignoring them or paying too much attention to someone else... every time I've managed to offend with my words, my deeds, my appearance, or my desires... every time I've lied, even slips of the tongue and times when I didn't KNOW anything other than what I spoke... every time I've watched tears in someone's eyes, tears that I put there... every time I've heard those tears in their voice, heard the emotions that shame and degrade...

...every time, every god damned time, all of them are having a nifty little parade through my skull, all of my memories crowding around, trying to give me the biggest guilt trip of my life.

And it's working.

And it should.

Every time I've been invisible on ICQ because I was tired and busy, not showing my face to those who expected me or wanted me around.

Every look I've given to strangers when I should have been paying attention to my boys, my friends, my mates.

Every dream I've had of a life where I'm guilt-free, where I can be an arrogant bitch and it's ok.

Every time I've manipulated people with my emotions or my words.

Every time I've forgotten something important, something I should have remembered, something that I NEEDED to remember... or just forgotten some little thing, something that wasn't perhaps life-threatening, but was important to someone I cared about.

That's what is playing right now on a huge screen in the back of my mind, and all of me is sitting around staring at it, wide-eyed... not crying. Not saying anything. Only sometimes, mumbling a quiet 'I'm sorry' and knowing it's not enough.

Yeah.

Rant.