F*** Your Brains Out
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I've been reading again. Thinking about Kadin. About Nreshan. About Nre. Slash. Drake. Kim. Nick. Islan. Alex. Michael. Angel.

So many names... so many different emotions, different expressions, different roles and forms and touches so different that I could tell them apart in the dark, tell them apart by simply reading text on a screen, know who wrote it, maybe even why...

I've been reading again. Akasha's stuff. Two stories - here and here. This is why... you see, she writes what I haven't found words for yet. She's not old, but she's had more experience and more time than I have. She has a true gift. And she found the words for what I've been thinking about. The first story, Melt The Ice... it's a perfect description of what I have been missing. What I need. What it was that I have gotten a few times... and why it is that I want Kadin here. This is a perfect example of what he has given me in the past, what I know he can give me again. And knowing that, reading this story, maybe you will understand why it is so important, why I miss it so much when it's not there. Why it aches.

The second story... Twenty One Days. This is why it makes me frightened. Why I am terrified of missing it for too long, not having it for too long, why I call my desires 'need' and 'craving' and 'hunger'... I know what happens when I go too long without. I know what I become, what's inside me, what is waiting and looking for a chance to break free.

I KNOW it is there, I've seen it. I've dealt with it. A few others have seen it, seen her, too... Sieia-To. My personal demon. Thank you, Angel... no, you didn't exactly give her to me, I've gotten that straight in my head. You just found her name. I think she-it-that was there all along... funny, how it took a few drops of blood and a fire on the beach to really make me realize it, though.

I've got a lot of memories pouring through me, pouring because there is no better word for the maddening rush from one side to the other, they struggle to fill any hole, slip through any grate, any fence I set up... there is no escape from them, it seems.

Names, more names, did you know that to name a thing is to have power over it? In the oldest cultures, they knew. You didn't give your name to strangers. You didn't write it down unless you were working magic. When someone gave you a name, they had better be either your parents, your teacher, your lover, or your god. People used to go on quests to find their true names.

I don't need to. I know my names.

Sieia-To.

Alice-Alyssa-Joy-Kali'cu-etc.

KJ.

Raven.

Rahani.

Crixa - yes, she's back.

Amber.

Aletose.

Jax.

And the people around me, the only ones I trust, I do so because I hold their names... or perhaps, I hold their names because I trust them. I've never really figured out the order. But so many of my friends, I've nicknames for... all of my pets, my slaves, they hold a name that I chose for them, or they hold nothing. Only a few are trusted without a name, and that merely because I've not yet found the name that fits.

Kadin Jasan Raven. I gave the boy my last name to take as his own. I named him Kadin - it means 'partner'. I named him Jasan - it means 'clever'. I've named him, at times, Jedite... failure. That name, he never holds for long... but there's still a little part of me that will keep it in reserve, waiting.

After all, everyone slips up sometimes.

Caleb... Islan. I rarely call him that to his face. It seems to confuse him. To bother him. He knows what names mean to me and does not, I think, like the fact that I chose a name other than Caleb for him. Too bad... and yet still I keep it silent. Why?

Nick... daya, sweet Kim, an angel whose wings have been torn away, shattered, and still he is perfect. I've not seen him in too long.

I was talking with Slash, and I think I explained something fairly well. I'll see if I can repeat it here. I'm so used to seeing my separate sides as SEPARATE, as distinct and unique and all-on-their-own, that when I find someone else who bothers to take separate names for their different moods or needs or such, I instinctively assume that for those people, they ARE unique, held apart.

I think that's why Caleb doesn't want a name. He doesn't want to be split. I think that's why Kim has his name... he is, to some degree... Kim and Ragin and company. That is why although Kadin has three names, they are all one really... why I will never give him another name without taking away the one he has. I want him to see himself as owned, and whole. I want no other lurking facet of him.

I keep forgetting that not everyone who takes on different personas, not everyone who switches names as readily as I, is like me. Funny, that... so blind, and even talking about it, I know that five minutes from now I'll have forgotten again.

I think I need to go back to bed. Maybe that will help. Maybe this is all just vicodin cravings leaving me dizzy.

Maybe I just need to get laid.

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