Girls Are Fun
Previous - this entry written on 2001-05-23 at 8:44 p.m. - Next
Ahh, an intelligent question in my guestbook! Well, maybe not intelligent, but certainly interesting - I've been reading the Ringworld series and now everything feels so foolish and antiquated, it's just nasty. However!
I have now been asked why I started being bisexual, and what it was that attracted me. This... hm. Goes back quite a ways, actually. The first girl I was seriously attracted to, that I know of, was a brunette with enough fire and attitude to nearly set those around her on fire. Her name was Holly... she went to the same school I did, and always seemed to be too perfect for words. In addition to but not quite intensely as, there were three other girls - Theresa, Janetta, and Kimberly. Those four were really where and when I started liking girls... although I didn't admit it, not even to myself generally. Yeah, I fantasized, and was stupid enough to follow them around like a lost puppy. Hey, I was only in 6th-7th grade, it could have been worse, right?
I don't really know what triggered it, I just know that at the time I liked talking to them, looking at them, dreaming about them, more than I did about guys... mind you, I had good reasons for this, guys were scum from my point of view around then. And after meeting Michael there... well, after that guys got even less attractive. Women were just safer, they didn't do unpleasant things to you and bully you and touch you in ways that made you feel as if you'd rolled in the mud for an hour.
After that... well, there was Angel. My attraction to her, judging from what other people have had to say about her, couldn't possibly have been all that physical... mostly a mix of mental and spiritual. She came along at a strange time in my life, as the saying goes, and what happened isn't something I feel capable of explaining right now. I wish I was, I wish I did, I wish I could, but... the words aren't there.
What IS there is Rie.
Rie, Rhiannon, Marie, and a host of other names... long dark hair, short (maybe 5' 3" at the most) and breasts that would have embarassed a barbie doll... pert little figure, a huge smile, a laugh that caught you up with it and left you there to spin... Rie.
Not all that long ago I wrote one of my infamous bad poems about her, part of a set I titled 'This Is Why'... some of the others have been scattered through here as well. But now, for your reading pleasure, I present "Rie-est":
She introduced herself
Because of a necklace
She explained herself
In caffeine-rush rambling
She defended herself
With fluffy kitten vibes
She justified herself
By acting on her beliefs
She redeemed herself
Without harming others
She gave herself
Full credit for the good things
She taught me
That girls are fun
...I first met her sitting outside of a college professor's room, she was there to meet a professor in the next room, and she admired my pendant, a weird little figure made out of wire and nails... we talked, we met up again, and we ended up getting together a lot. She invited me to come play D&D with her, and I, being the naieve little sheltered girl who had been raised to think of that game as the root of all evil and a tool of the devil... happily agreed and convinced my mother we hung out and watched cartoons for hours. *grin*
It helped that her parents were Christian. Fortunately, they weren't as weird as mine... in fact, I recall her talking them into being willing to adopt me at some point, because they disliked my parents too and thought I'd be better off without them.
Rie was bi when I met her... and it was from her that I learned that it was actually OK to not only admire women from afar, but to flirt with them, date them, kiss them, fuck them, and TO ADMIT TO IT. It was great!
Yes, Rie and I have played together. No, not often. Yes, I enjoyed it all, and if you ask me for details, I'll write 'em out... but this isn't about sex, this is (I think) about the whys and wherefors of attraction. I was attracted to Rie because it seemed to me that not only was she someone worth being attracted to, but that in a way she was, had, and did everything that I missed out on. I was jealous of her - still am, sometimes - and by flirting with her, hanging out, being attracted, I felt as if maybe a part of her beauty and luck would rub off on me. *shrug*
Maybe it did... or maybe she just helped me find the confidence that has let me make my own luck and allowed my own beauty to show occasionally. Somehow I think it's the second one.
So that's why I like girls - they're pretty, they're cute, and some of 'em are fun in bed. But I wouldn't be able to SAY that I like them, to enjoy it as much, if it wasn't for Rie's example, her comparative freedom of speech and actions, that really made me comfortable enough with myself and my desires to end up bisexual.
Whew. That was a rather serious entry... gah. But hey, at least it wasn't all angsty and full of bitching about how much I hurt, right? *wicked grin* I'm savin' all that up for tomorrow after the procedure.
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