Aye, my musings tonight aren't exactly sane, nor are they meant for anything beyond my own pleasure as I pour out the words, rejoicing that I can at the least remember this, still: the bitterness with which I announced myself every time I entered, the vicious pounding need that filled me each time I spoke.

Not even sure what I'm doing, right now.

I can move my left hand without serious pain, now, finally... the bandages around my wrist are somewhat odd, stiff, but they're not there because of any cut ~I~ made so I can be furious with them without feeling hypocritical. They're there to hold on the wad of cotton that was all that was keeping me from bleeding out yesterday.

Monday.

I can see the other two spots on my hand, one of them bruising slightly, the other just a tiny red dot. Flex. Make a fist. No, that aches... can't do that.

But I can move the hand while typing and it's little more than a dull roar in the background, fine and dandy.

Razor blades and knives and what does the most damage? A simple little needle in someone else's hand. It's always the way of it... always why I only trust myself and a rare few others, why I prefer the pain that comes with lust and love to the pain that comes with practicality and money.

Doctors may be vampires, but not the lusty, luxurious killers of novels and TV... rather animals, bestial, taking what they need and moving on.

Right now I want to spin out, to fall back asleep and dream away the days... but I know I can't. Must not. I slept... gods, I went to bed at what, 5? Call it 5:00 pm, then... and slept for nearly 12 hours, if not more. I've already lost track of it, of when I woke up. Memory like lace, thoughts missing, images absent, I claw at it trying to pull out some coherant fragment and it only tears to shreds.

Perhaps I'll go out - ask, and fade, and wander the streets for a while. Drive. Live. I've a few dollars, it could be fun.

...lady in red...

Blood.

PMS has nothing on what happens at this point, when for a week I smell blood constantly, ache even more than usual. Maddening.

Going Out sounds like a very good idea indeed.