Hrm. Gotta Do Something...
Previous - this entry written on December 25, 2002 at 10:34 pm - Next

Sudden flush, heat running over my skin. It doesn't reach inside, doesn't keep me warm, only steals my breath with a rush of flame that flickers out the moment I realize it exists... and returns as soon as I forget its presence, dancing across my body again and again.


Christmas, holiday, holy day, and I should be relaxing, enjoying myself, calm and loving and... well, frankly, and all that crap. Not in the mood for sweet and gentle. Not wanting kind and loving. Not craving anything but flame and steel and blood and tears, that look in a boy's eyes when he realizes that for a split second, when I look at him I don't see something worth treasuring, something precious, special... I merely see a piece of meat, a toy, something to be used and devoured.


Trying to take the edge off it with music... tried earlier, with Kadin, but was interrupted before I could finish and have been mentally pacing for the two hours since then. I'm also trying quite hard NOT to take it out on anyone who doesn't deserve it, can't handle it, or doesn't in some way want it... which yes, rules out a good 99.9% of the population. *shrugs, stretching slightly, claws digging into the cushion she is sprawled on*

At the moment, I'm trying to stay good.

I have no idea how long it will last.

Hopefully it'll last just a bit longer than the hunger itself does. I know from long experience that a lot of the time, the hunger goes away eventually. Yes, it comes back all the worse for the wait, and yes, it's not pleasant trying to sit it out, but it WILL go away. *sighs*

"Mad World" by Gary Jules. Not something you'd expect, from a Jax in a hunting mood... but somehow it suits, it strikes at the source of my hungers, cutting away a bit of the need, a bit of the craving. Now if I could just see what it's lashing out at...'s a mad world...

Caleb is curled up on the sofa in the living room, working on a D&D character for Sunday night's gaming. Ryan is online, aware of the fact that right now, having completely failed to do something I asked is rather a bad plan. Scott, of all people, is online... and I am still pacing inside my skull, walking the boundaries of my mind, wondering when I'll get to make the jump out of here into something more satisfying.

if I'm not the crack of the cork
and the shot in the arm
across the room
like a four-alarm
some kind of danger
you look that way
you try to be cool
with little to say...

...the pain, the bat, and the blood when you beat me...

Yeah. Hello. I'm back.

And GODS but I'm looking forward to finding a way to satisfy this.

Teartracks, blood... contact, touch, soft hands and clawtip on my skin on his skin hands paws blending we are here everything real tumbling falling drifting into endless pleasure-rage heartbeat unending rush of fear lust burning white-hot here I am... I am...

...come along now, come along and you'll see what it's like to be free...


And... possibly... amusement.

I may have found a way to ease my cravings without hurting anyone, including me! Amazing.

Question is, will Caleb be willing?

*pads off to find out*

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