A Gripe, Grumble, and Complain Session
Previous - this entry written on 2001-03-25 at 10:07 a.m. - Next


I'm back to work, staring at a computer screen and waiting for the phone to ring, head aching, stomach upset... there's a silver necklace around my throat still, the ankh he gave me when we first went out for chinese. He had me close my eyes... he had been wearing it and then he took it off, placed it in my hand... I asked him to fasten it on me and I think it almost surprised him.



He fastened it on a couple more times... the last one holds best in my memory, my head bowed, feeling his fingers on the back of my neck. He asked me to think of a collar, of my promises to him, of the fact that he would be back. I thought about it all, let it run through my mind, unhindered, he was so wonderful and I promised him things, parts of me... and I am still wearing it, the piece of jewelry that will always mark the relationship with him.



It still amuses me... I have some piece of jewelry to mark almost every major relationship in my life. Bells, rings, bracelets, necklaces... really. You'd think I was starting a collection of memories, and maybe I am. It's nice to be able to sit down and hold my past in my hands, to sort through it and say 'yes, this was what I was... now I am me, and it's ok'.



I miss him a lot today. I miss Kitten, too... I got a letter from him, a beautiful letter where he told me about his day, about sleeping under a church pew after a youth group event, about chasing Pam around... he sent his resume finally, this is a Good Thing. And at the end...



"*soft smile* I love you, Rahani."



That's enough. Nick is out-of-town and away from his computer for a week... Kitten is trapped away from computers for the most part... Rhett is moving today, lifting big heavy things and groaning and panting and damn I wish I was there to watch... Scott is on the coast still, coastal hell, wheee... Caleb is at home, sleeping no doubt, lucky boy... Vicki-lady (who I have not introduced yet, no) is at home, doing goddess-knows-what, prob'ly doing Thomas... and I am here, at work, wondering why I find myself re-reading boy-ashamed's recent entries and wanting to cry.



I don't understand it. I really, REALLY don't understand it. I wish that Snowtygrrr was online, I could use the distraction. But there is no one I know online right now. I am a very alone 'lil Jax, which sux when one is an Attention Slut (raises hand proudly). I would rather not be alone. I tend to get just a bit depressed... see previous entries?



So here's what I am wondering... Vicki keeps saying 'go for it, stop THINKING and just make the damn decision, you are analyzing yourself too much, just JUMP'. I know what I want:



Go visit Rhett for a week or two.
Go visit Kitten if realistically possible.
Get Kitten down HERE so he is safe and happy.
Go to the coast to visit Scott for a while.
Go spend a month with Elru/Nick, or bring him back here.
End up here in Oregon, living with Elru, Kitten, and Caleb... assuming they all get along. If they don't... dammit, I don't want to think about that. I want it all to work.



*poke* If you are reading this and haven't signed my guestbook, please do so... feel free to bitch about the format, I need to redo it. *sigh*

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