Day in, day out, nothing but that pain and aching... sure, occasionally there were flashes of brightness, of something that at least resembled love... there was Angel... there was Mike... there was Jenn... but none of that really made a difference in how I felt. Not until college, not until I started having a say in my life. Yeah, I made some shitty decisions. Yeah, I'm still paying for some of them.

But it balances out. Girl, if you happen to read this, I want you to know that it balances out, that the life which is so hellish now will eventually level out, that there is something worth reaching for... that there is a place. Someone who will understand that you ARE good enough. Someone who will see the beauty.

For me, the first people who saw that... one of them was a slave of mine named Alex, one was my Master for a while and is still one of the few people who actually UNDERSTANDS my worst, darkest urges, who shares them, and one was my best friend and is currently a bisexual pagan vegetarian stripper with two pet birds. *wry grin* Friends are where you find them. Sometimes they come rather unexpectedly... sometimes they build slowly... but sooner or later, they show up. You just have to hold on long enough. I know it hurts.

Believe me, I know... I still have scars from where I cut myself, I still have the ashes of the diary I wrote in blood and burnt one night when I wanted to die but couldn't find a quick enough way, I still have the emotional and mental scars and buttons left over from growing up in a shitty life in a shitty little town and discovering that life really was out to get me...

...and then it got better.

It will get better, girl.

It always does.