When I first started subbing in any sense online, I discovered that although in a lot of ways it could be made similar to 'real life', that in other ways it was far different. I've always had both a Domme and a sub streak, as far back as I can remember - each of them has had various turns being the main aspect of my personality and it's taken a lot of years to bring them into something that at least resembles a balance.

One of the reasons that this was hard to do involved my ability to orgasm on command. It... acquiring it was a rather unpleasant process and not one I'll be writing about here (although littlekajira or isis-osiris might see the tale in text at some point). Because of it, when I was in full sub mode I could and would quite literally cum if I was ordered to do so.

I still don't know WHY, but for some reason such orgasms were... dead, I guess would be the word. They mattered about as much as masturbation, maybe less. However, if I was in full sub mode and not allowed to cum at all, instead having it built up over hours or even days, then pushed to orgasm by touch and cruel words instead of a direct order or kindness, I would have an overwhelming orgasm...

...and when I came down from it, I'd be left feeling guilty, ashamed, and usually not knowing why. This was brought into focus intensely when I started playing online; at one point I quite literally avoided the computer for a week because I was sick inside, hating myself for my weakness, for my desire, for everything that led up to the moment of orgasm and most of all, for the fact that there was no pleasure (I thought) that could even compare to cumming with that much shame.

Yes, writing this is a bit difficult. I've never really talked about it.

When I go sub, I don't get turned on by being held and cuddled. I'm not aroused by the 'loving daddy' sort of Dom. I sure as hell could do without most of the verbal reassurance that people tend to give. I get off on the pain, the humiliation, on having my pride and self-worth actually stripped away until I have no REASON left to fight - after all, if you have no pride, why struggle to pretend to keep it? Being treated like that made it so much easier to enjoy the feelings and sensations at the time.

It also made the moments after orgasm, the times when by rights I should be a little warm ball of pleasure, shameful and unpleasant and even frightening. I quite rudely logged off several times in the middle of playing with someone purely because I'd cum and was suddenly clear-headed, or what passed for it. I felt actually guilty for enjoying something like that.

Then I met Victoria... and shortly after, my boys.

Getting to spend some serious time as a Domme made a real difference in how I react. Yes, I still crave the humiliation and near-terror when my sub side slips out, and certainly I still get annoyed when I'm treated like a fragile china doll. Do I feel guilty afterward, ashamed? No. I've seen how much pleasure the Dom/me can get out of their pets, playtoys, slaves. I've felt firsthand not just the brief rush of hurting someone or the thrill of crumbling their spirit but the actual, honest JOY that comes from the moments before and after as well as during. I've learned that no matter how much I enjoy being sub, there is just as much pleasure to be gained from holding the whip instead.

Sometimes, particularly if the orgasm and the experience were extremely intense, I'll still have those feelings of shame. I'll still want to hide. What brings me out of it is the certainty that the pleasure I felt, both physical and mental, gave someone else pleasure as well...

...and that it's ok to enjoy it, that I've balanced it out, that there are enough other people who savor the same things I do that I'm not alone. I've stopped scolding myself. I've stopped hating what I used to see as weakiness.

I've gotten to the point where I honestly see some of it as strength. The kitten was the one who made me believe that... not necessarily the day-to-day things, that's another entry, but the moments when I feel as if I am giving up my soul for the sake of a moment's pleasure, sometimes not even for my own pleasure but for someone else.

See, there have been times when he has given up what society would call his pride, given up his comfort, given up his sanity even, purely because for that moment, that one brief moment, there was so much relief and joy that it overwhelmed both of us. Most people wouldn't give themselves up like that, not for anything... but because he felt it so strongly and because he knew I felt it so strongly, he did. That's damned impressive.

Because of that, when I come out of the submission rush I find myself curled around the person who brought me there, knowing they think no less of me... and knowing that at least one other person, at least one other soul, has felt what I feel and kept going, made it a point of strength.

So yeah. If you've ever wanted to curl up in a little ball, hide, ashamed... if you want to apologise, so guilty you can't savor the rush... if you can't believe that wanting (insert your favorite kink here) could possibly be ok, or normal, or that it might actually benefit someone else as well as you... I'm living proof that you're wrong.

I have drowned in shame and suffering, enjoyed every second, and y'know what?

*grins broadly* Right person, right circumstance, and I'd gladly do it again.

...yeah, funny to hear that from a Domme, but if anyone who reads this journal believes I'm 100% Domme, you're crazy. *pads off, amused*