Ate a huge entry.

First off, I want to apologise... see, I know I've been spitting out these tiny little junk-food entries, and I swear, I am trying to return to full-fledged insanity, rantings and ramblings and stories and such. *sighs* Still being a bit distracted by the demands of life, though, which does complicate things.

Also complicating things is the fact that I now have access to a copy of "Jitterbug Perfume".

So.

Things to say.

One of them is that for the next four days, Kadin will be in a cold little corner of hell. *blinks* And I'm proud of him for it. I just wanted to state that. *shrugs* He impresses me, my boy does. It makes me happy.

Although at the moment, not happy enough... just before the computer crashed I was listening to "Glory Box", which was poor song choice in general, since it tends to draw out my submissive side.

Currently, my submissive side is in hiding and trying very hard to deny its own existance. My Domme (pronounced dAWm, like 'Dom', NOT Dawm-ey, it is a ONE-syllable word, thank you) side, the one that usually wants to take care of people, is trying very hard to take care of me. And failing, but we won't talk about that. Meanwhile, the weird, cruel, and silly parts of me have apparently taken control of my fingers and are doing the typing. *said parts wave at the Reading Audience*

Err... yeah.

I am talking with t'lesh and a Very Old Lady right now. It's something to do, you see - when I'm depressed usually I try to talk to people, in hopes that either I will cheer up or they will at least be able to talk me out of doing anything stupid. And yes, me, the person who bitches about anyone who even THINKS of suicide, had been recently talked out of several stupidities.

Ok. Serious stuff, now. I know, my train of thought is jumping around... but it's a depressed train of thought, they do that. You know the kind of train, all moth-eaten draperies and dirty paneling and a threadbare carpet, and you somehow have managed to miss your stop. This sort of train always has an obnoxious tourist couple somewhere in your car, shrieking at each other nasally. My couple is "Lack Of Money" and "Poor Health"... we'll call them Georgine and Earnest for short.

They are irritating me to the point where I am tempted to open up the window and shove them both out... but I know if I do, I go flying too.

Thus the dilemma.

See, it's very very hard to care about things... cleaning the apartment, writing, anything... when as far as I can see, there is NO immediate solution. And long-term... well, if my stress levels don't drop, if I don't get some Quality Time with my doctor, and if I can't get these bills paid, let's just say that long-term can be measured in a VERY few years. 2-5, roughly.

Yes, I'm depressed.

It's a very ugly train, and it looks as if I won't get to stay on it very long, and even though it's ugly, I WANT to stay on it, I keep hoping that the next stop will be better... dying scares me.

Dying alone scares me.

Being alone scares me.

I am beginning to suspect myself of being a very serious and committed coward. I base this on the fact that I spend a LOT of my time being frightened and looking for simple ways out of my problems.

*sighs*

Ok. Enough depression, Jax. It's your birthday, technically. You should be happy today. Really.