Also for the record, this is officially one of the most annoying weeks I have ever experienced. Not one of the WORST... just the most annoying. I find myself completely unable to express my annoyance in any useful way, which sucks - I would be quite happy expressing it with a machine gun in the heart of the public services offices here but that seems impractical due to my current lack of fashionably-coordinated machine guns, they all clash with my shoes.

It's that kind of a week.

I am beginning to suspect that my search for a Master was ill-timed... that it's turned into a search for support that I won't get and a desperate, clinging need to keep hold of my boys.

And I can't explain it.

I've tried, but the words aren't coming out right.

This might be due in part to the fact that the person I am trying to explain this to wouldn't understand poetry if it hit him, or so it seems.

Incidentally, although Kadin, Elru, Alex, and Caleb have all, at times, jestingly told me that I write too much, they have NEVER made me feel... guilty... about it. It bothers me that someone can make me feel GUILTY about writing in my journals or weblogs or just in general. How twisted is that? Someone who swears he wants to encourage my writing skills but makes me think that he would be happier if I only wrote a few paragraphs every few days.

And again, I haven't the guts (or the words) to say this to him. I don't know HOW to say it without it sounding just as critical and even hypocritical as he sounds at times. And I don't WANT to say it because there's so much potential, so much that could go RIGHT... if this is just a mood swing, I don't want to throw away perfection on a mood swing, I don't want my moods to interfere with goodness again.

I'm worried about Kadin.

No one in the universe except maybe Caleb and Alex seem to have any idea as to how much I am worried about Kadin. It's like... like they think that because he's in Canada, not here, I should just be able to put him out of mind. That the separation should be EASIER because I don't hear from him often.

Err... fuck that?

I miss him, I KNOW how much of a 'net addict he is, and the fact that I'm not hearing much from him worries me. It's like a teenage girl who NEVER gets on the phone after months and months of being inseperable from it - you just start worrying.

Anyway, some more ranting about OHP - apparently the way it works is they can change the rules retroactively on ya. Isn't that nice? And the Queen Bitch Ethyl, who is my case worker, needs a hearing aid and someone to pull the FULL-GROWN TREE out of her ass.

SO I owe them money retroactively.

And so they won't give me health care.

Bastards. *curses violently for a while*

I'm not real thrilled with this, or with Ethyl, who is the most unhelpful person I have EVER encountered in an OHP office, and believe me, that's saying quite a bit. Bitch. I hate her already and I've only talked with her once.

I'm going back to bed before I kill someone.