Music bubbling up, invading my speakers. I've been reading the Ship Who books - if you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't read enough Anne McCaffery and should correct this at once. *shrugs* But anyway, having read those a LOT recently, I'm having problems remembering that I am just one person in just one body, as it were.

This is, of course, made slightly worse by the fact that I'm NOT exactly one person. *blinks*

Techno and Tricky and just a bit of percoset... it leaves me fuzzed at the edges but content to be alive.

Happy.

I... am happy.

But not content.

This is really odd. See, usually I'm content but not actually happy... right now, I am happy but not really content. I want to be with my boys. I want them to be here with me. I'm talking online with Kadin and Ryan, and wishing that I could drag them, and Torian, and Caleb, and Rhett, all over here. Hold them. Touch them. Reassure myself that the last few months of absence and pain haven't changed anything.

I want my boys.

I've been asked various questions in my guestbook and my notes that I've not yet answered... I'm gonna take a few minutes and do that. You'll see why in a moment. Hopefully.

First off: Meganlala who has been absent, no, you're not forgotten... I've not been online enough to be able to recognize your absence but I HAVE missed talking to you. *petpets* And I've not yet found anyone to buy sheep, which is technically a good thing since I have none to sell. Well, maybe the inflatable one, but I just wouldn't feel right selling Lucy off. *snickerpurr*

Chelation... dear lady p, the procedure they were (and still are) hoping to attempt is a form of chelation wherein some of the heavy metals and the trace elements that, in my body, are no longer trace, are pulled out and stripped away. The meds they tried just left me puking, so now they're trying a different tack: Vitamin C. Basically, if enough B and C end up in my bloodstream, they work with my body's natural processes to reduce the amount of toxins that are just floating around in there being annoying and making me sick.

And yes, so far it seems to be working... *keeps her fingers crossed hopefully*

The rant at the troll was done already... heh. Ryan apparently read the post long before I did and checked out the diary it's connected to... it still amazes me that someone would start up a journal JUST so they could snark at people.

F'ing trolls.

There's a diary I got quite a kick out of reading that can be found here... its author asked me what fantasies I'd drawn out. That's actually something of a complicated question, but I'll start out with some of the basics.

I like slash fanfic. For those of you who have no idea what I just said: fanfic is, rather obviously, Fan Fiction - the stories people write about characters in movies and tv shows, books and comics, basically anything. If you're a fan of someone and write a piece of fiction based on them, congrats, you've just written fanfic. 'Slash' refers to a very specific TYPE of fiction, male-on-male, usually with at least a PG-13 rating if not R or X. *amused*

Ooh.

Sorry, painkillers kicked in. I hate period cramps.

Anyway... that journal is interesting because it reads like fairly simplified slash fanfic, and therefor is amusing. It also - and I can't stress this enough - has me curious. VERY curious. See, even my life isn't quite that... direct? And I can't help wondering how much of what I read there is real, and how much really is fiction. And I can't help hoping it's all real.

Yes, I LIKE eros. *amused*

Right now I'm talking to a Scott who is telling me about his project required for Psych 101... WHY he's taking Psych 101 is not something he's bothered to mention yet, and I, being a strange Jax, had completely forgotten he was taking ANY classes... but yeah.

Collage.

He's supposed to create something that is an introduction to him, and apparently using Photoshop is Right Out. Pity. 'Cause yes, that would be FUN... Scott is one of the few people who is in any way truly signifigant in my life that I have NOT created an image for/about/regarding. So the plan - apparently - is to go out with Grr to get a flash card (?) and then to grab some magazines.

We've got lots of cardboard here, and maybe we can find an inexpensive tarot set... if not, Grr might be willing to let me use up part of her ink cartrige printing out a few images that I really doubt we'll find in the sorts of magazines that are readily available.

This is turning into a really LONG entry.

Which, actually, is kind of overdue. I'm trying to get back into the updating-daily habit, and it helps that today I was dragged awake at around 8:30 so I could drive Rachel and Carl (I think Carl's got a journal, or at least a web page, but I don't know the address) over to drop off Rachel's kids with their father for his weekly time-with-them. So since I was awake already, and since I'd promised Ryan I'd log online when I was awake, I'm here, online, and hey, updating! *poing*

"...the man-made DNA that spirals breathlessly out of control..."

Sorry, listening to Meg Lee Chin. She gets stuck in my head. If you can find any of her stuff (and trust me, she's worth buying the album, support the GOOD artists, WinMX the rest) track down and listen to "London", "Nutopia", "Heavy Scene", and "Bottle". Gods, she SO kicks ass.

Anyway. Where was I?

Oh, the latest on my mother: She was going into a rather heavy God-rant... for those who have forgotten, my mother is one of those people who is the REASON Christianity has a bad rap. She would burn witches if she could... and considers ANYONE who isn't Christian automatically either a witch, a satanist, a heretic, or some other nasty form of someone-who-should-be-killed. *twitch* So she was starting in on me, telling me that God can solve all my problems... I pointed out to her that the main problem was that I needed to pay bills and rent, and that God could go sit and spin as long as I'm busy worrying about whether or not my health care is paid up and if I can afford to eat that month.

So she handed me a check for $400 and told me to think about god. *blinks*

Now logically I sould be confused, or offended, or refuse the money, or suddenly believe in Christianity... but being me, I'm just of the opinion that if she wants to give me money to think about god, cool. She didn't tell me WHAT to think about him... or even what god to think about, really.

And it was VERY nice to be able to pay off the healthcare bill and cover the co-pays that are all the rage now and to actually pay for my share of electricity, water, etc.

Rachel's response when this was explained to her: "Hey, can I talk to your mother? I'll think about god a LOT..."

Heh.

My mother confuses me. Not a Red Cent when I'm asking for help with car insurance, or normal bills, or much of anything else... but as soon as god enters the conversation she's handing out cash. I don't get it. I'm not complaining, mind you... as long as she is willing to help me out in SOME way I'm REALLY not going to complain, and she DOES care enough about me to pay for the naturopathic treatment I need.

Talking with people.

Alive.

NOT in pain.

NOT depressed.

NOT lonely, even though at the moment I'm alone, because I know that the ones I love return that love, that sooner or later I'll be able to spend time with them, that life goes on.

Have I mentioned yet how THRILLED I am to be able, finally, to STOP worrying about my potential life expectancy?

Yeah. *soft smile*

I... there's TIME now. Not enough, never enough, but I don't have something too frightening to really talk about hanging over my head, or at least not hanging as close.

...where was I? I keep getting distracted.

Oh. News.

No, that wasn't where I was but I'm going there anyway, now.

Grr broke her ankle.

Yes, you read that right. The wonderful Vicki is limping and miserable. Stairs. STEEP stairs. Slippery, tilted, carpeted, narrow, steep stairs... and she was carrying Rhi but managed not to drop her.

I'm impressed.

But now her ankle is broken and she's in a lot of pain. So yes, sympathy for the Grr - wander over to her page and leave her a note or three, please? She could use cheering up.

Posting.

Gonna post this, then head offline for a bit...

...hi. I'm Jax. And for the first time in a long time, I'm a Jax with hope.