Finally on my own computer, with a REAL internet connection. Listening to Puddle Of Mudd - dowloaded "Control" and "Blurry" and am looking for more. Downloaded some Siouxsie & The Banshees. Some more Splashdown. Grabbing a bit of Weezer now. Music is good, right?

When MSN is running, whenever someone on my buddy list logs in it pops up a little notify-thingie. So I would know if someone logged in. So why is it that I am obsessively checking my list every few minutes, just in case I missed something, just in case someone in particular is online?

More to the point, when the hell did I get so weak-willed that going even one night without really talking to him seems to eat me alive?

"I know the way you look at me... I feel the pain you place inside..."

*sighs softly*

I've heard a frightening number of people who insist that anything that happens online 'isn't real'. I'll be the first to admit that it's not often ENOUGH, that it would often be better if it were face to face, if I could touch and smell and see and feel and hear, not just read the words. But for me, things that happen online can be just as 'real' as things that happen offline. There is just as much meaning behind them, just as much seriousness and emotion involved, just as much desperation and drama, just as much affection, just as much realism. Sure, there's no physical contact. There's mental contact though, there's emotional contact, there's so much poured into the words...

...ask Kadin sometime. He'll tell you that some of our most intense experiences together, not all of them certainly, but just-as-certainly some of them, were online. Nothing but text.

Words have quite a bit more power than people give them credit for.

But then, that's part of the problem, isn't it? If words didn't have so much power, he wouldn't care about me, I wouldn't care about him, it would be so much simpler. If words didn't matter, I wouldn't have to stop every time my words slipped, every time I showed a little bit of the hunger that keeps filling me, driving its way deeper and deeper into my thoughts and my actions until once again it's nearly all I can think about.

If words didn't matter, he wouldn't matter... right?

I think I need to go work on my layout or something. He's not online. I am trying very hard to pretend this is a good thing.