I don't know how easy this will be... I don't really think it will be easy at all. I don't WANT to give up anything that makes me happy. I really really really don't want to. I don't want anyone I care about hurt.

I'm wearing the ankh and it already feels heavy around my throat. I keep wondering if I'm going to regret this. If I should have said 'no' when he asked me. If all of this is just a cruel joke he's playing. If it's a mistake. If it's going to get me hurt worse than I can bear... or kitten... or caleb... or vicki...

In mockery of a collar. Harsh words. Dreams, turned to dusty dried rose petals locked in a box and coated with powdered silver. I don't know who I am any more, I have just allowed myself to be defined by a piece of jewelry again. Yes, defined... not confined. I am free to rip it off if I wish... and in the process, loose everything I've dreamed of and prayed for.

So I'm hoping that he understands how much this frightens me, how much it hurts. I'm praying that he actually cares. I'm scared.

I am VERY fucking scared.