Yes, it's being an odd day.

A truly odd day.

I'm tempted to play with MIDI files again... or to go listen to the mp3 files friends of mine have made. Some of the bard's songs, or perhaps Ken Ishii's stuff. Maybe. For now, I'm listening to a MIDI version of "No More I Love You's" - for some gawdaweful reason it was listening to midi music, the ultimate no-words music, that got me writing about songbird.

She stepped out of the shadows and started to sing words to the songs that didn't have them. Started singing to me. Quite a shock, I thought she'd planned to leave me alone for a while longer.

Oh, well.

Prettiness exists in the form of midi music, right now. I'm about to go watch a movie with Caleb, and no, I don't even know which movie. Just that we will snuggle and watch it together, and that will be enough. I'm in the mood for snuggles.

Well, ok, maybe not. But PART of me is in that mood, and Caleb wants them, and at the moment, that's enough for me. Besides, it sounded like a good idea earlier.

I really hate my mood swings - the B-12 stuff I'm taking is supposed to help them. So is the foul shite that they're calling Ultraclear aka UltraInflammeX. Nasty stuff. Ick. But I know it actually does help, so I'm trying to keep eating it.

*sigh*

TWO boys and neither of them reminds me of useful things.

I need to fill out OHP paperwork, STILL. I need to go get my bloodwork done, STILL. I need to talk with Deb, I need to get Kadin working harder on his paperwork, I need to clean the house again. I need a shower. I need to shave. I need a good massage and a day off, is what I need.

Tash, who is VERY out of town right now, offered to fly me to California for the weekend. He was QUITE serious. He wanted me to come down there, go to Disneyland with him, just rest for the whole weekend, nothing important to do, nowhere to go, nothing but fun and relaxation.

He was SERIOUS.

Do you have any idea what this does to me? Anyone who can spontaniously FLY ME TO CALIFORNIA is someone who, sad to say, impresses the hell out of me. I'm still young and I'm NOT rich, not by any stretch of the imagination, not when it comes to money or time. Love? Got that. Trips to Cali, fancy dinners, fine chocolates, a chance to get the hell OUT of here for a while and rest? Don't got that.

*sigh*

So tempting. But I've reasons to stay. Reasons with names, faces. Reasons I care about... in some cases, reasons I love.

I'm staying here for love.

I'm an idiot.

Have I mentioned that recently? I AM AN IDIOT. It's CALIFORNIA, with a slave to pamper me, nothing to do that I don't want to do, amusement parks and innocence, playtime and teasing and a world away from where I am now, mentally.

I'm an idiot.

*shrugs* Eh. I'll be fine.

I really am an idiot. Already I'm kicking myself for refusing, for not finding some way to make it work... but... daya. I know I can't. I know I shouldn't. I know that it would be the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Part of me, a LARGE part of me, is worried that I'll actually be irritated with my boys, the two main reasons I'm staying. It's not their fault. Right?

I'm an idiot.