I almost trusted someone. I was willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, there were humans worth trusting. I almost fell for it.

See, it's one thing to say "That's a shame, I wish I could help," or "What are you going to do?" or "I'm sorry I can't do anything"... but never, NEVER say "Here, let me help you, let me fix this problem for the moment," unless you damned well mean it. I don't mind being told 'no'. I expect it. It's ok. What is NOT ok is being lied to and led along.

Then again, it's prob'ly my own fault for letting myself be led. For believing. For trusting.

See, I know this game. Played it for years. And never, never ever ever, are humans worth trusting. You stand on your own, you do what you can, and if something happens to go the way someone else says it will, it's only 'cos they are getting something out of it. Sometimes it's just coincidence. But it's sure as hell not honesty. The only way you can get honesty out of someone is if they have your collar around their throat, scars from your whip tracing down their flesh, if their eyes are empty of everything but the hot pulsing need that is enslavement.

You can trust them then, when they are broken before you, broken because of you. You can trust their words, because they might as well BE you. You can trust their deeds, because everything they do is for you, unhesitatingly, honestly. You can trust their intentions because those intentions are exactly what you let them be, nothing more, nothing less. You can trust a slave, if you are the one who made him, who broke him.

You can't trust anyone else.

Because people who aren't yours, people who aren't so bound to you, and you to them, that you might as well be reading each others' thoughts, those people will turn on you every time. They'll lie to you, they'll cheat you, they'll manipulate you, they'll leave you bleeding and crying and even more aware of how horrible human beings are, every fucking time.

Yes, there's a reason I am writing all this. I'm furious... but furious at myself, not at anyone else. I was a prize idiot, wasn't I? Hoping for miracles... fuck that. I'll believe in them when I see them. No more praying for the impossible, because apparently it IS impossible. Apparently I'm just screwed all the way around, and nothing is going to change that.

In less than a week, I go to the dentist... that's at least $25 up front, which I do not have. The electric bill is due to arrive any day now. I'm supposed to be working on Irene Radford's website, which would at least HELP with the bills, but when I can barely get online long enough to post an update, I certainly don't have the three-hour average it takes to fight with her provider's ftp, make changes, post them, read her latest list-of-things-she-wants-done, do THOSE, post THOSE changes... *sighs*

And kenji, never mind about the rice cooker - Cal took it after all, is combination cooker-and-crockpot and he needed it.

*sighs again*

Oh, well. For at least a couple days I was able to believe that I might survive all this, that it would work out OK. It was kind of nice, I guess... I wish it had been something more than a pipe dream.

I wish I could trust people, I do.

I want to be able to trust people... that's why every now and then I actually try, actually DO trust for a little while.

And without fail, it bites me in the ass.

No more.

This is my promise here.

It's friday... I'll wait 24 hours more. I can wait that long. But after that, if this miracle doesn't happen, if I was indeed lied to, misled...

...then that's it. I'm not trying again. I'll save my trust for my property, the only ones who have PROVED that they deserve it, over and over again. I'll save my trust and my affection for the ones I break.