Tell them what? Everything... well, not EVERYTHING, but the general story. See, it's about time they know. They're grown up. They can handle it, right? *sigh*

Here's what I've written up. I'm going to print out three copies. I'll read one aloud to my dad, who I will get alone, first - I like him, I trust him to actually listen. Give him two copies to take home, one for him, one for mom.

If they want to come back into town and talk about it... cool.

If not... cool.

Either way, I'm tired of being somebody other than me, odd as that sounds coming from a hard-core Furc addict like me.

Here's what I will be showing them:

- - - Introducing me - - -

I go by Jax, not 'cos it's my birth name or my legal name (yet) but because I like the sound of it, because it feels right for me, because it's got a lot of good memories tangled up with it and frankly, when you've got my life, you need all the good memories you can get. Jax Amber Raven, sometimes known as Flamma Astra, Kaj, Briar, Alice, and a whole pantheon of other names - yeah, I know that generally pantheon's supposed to refer to a bunch of musty old deities but my boys think I'm a goddess and that's close enough, right?

My boys... eh, it's as good a place to start as any. I am engaged... I know, it's easy to say. Let me assure you, it's a LOT harder when you're engaged to three men at once, as I am. Polyamory, that's the word for it. Caleb Dixon, a wonderful young man who knows computers inside and out, who cares for me and keeps me grounded... Nick Hall, a delightful bard who spins me tales when I'm sad and is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on... and of course Kadin Raven, my kitten, slaveboy and lover and friend, the sparkle in my eyes. *grin* I love all three of them. I know that legally I can only marry one, but guess what? Legality can go hang. I'll marry Kadin because that's the easiest way to bring the boy I love home to America to stay, but I will be handfasted to all three of them, and we will live together.

Handfasted... do you know that term? It's semi-pagan, it referrs to a marriage ceremony. Traditionally, a handfasting lasts for a year and a day, you renew it yearly, much like people celebrate anniversaries... this is just... prettier, I guess is the word I want. And although it's not legally recognized, I and my boys regard it as a serious and heartfelt commitment. My handfasting will be held with as much pomp and circumstance as any wedding I could possibly have, and I will treat it far more seriously and with much more respect than something done out of age-old traditions that belong to a religion that I cannot wholly accept.

Yep. I am not a Christian. At least, I'm not the brand of Christian I grew up watching, the type that abuses its kids, its wives, its husbands, the type that lies and cheats and steals and is more petty than any pagan I've ever met, and then claims that everything it does is ok because hey, God forgives us. Bullshit. I won't believe in a God who thinks that is an ok mode of operation. My deities... they're much more personal.

See, I believe that there IS a God... or goddess... or both, or whatever you want. That there is some omnipotent force out there. And that frankly, the Christians, the Hindus, the Wiccans... you're all right. It's not about the SHAPE your deity takes, it's not about the face he/she wears or the name he/she answers to, it's about the lessons taught and the life choices made, about the belief that some things are good, some things are bad... and that some things, you can't always be sure about. Humanity is not just black and white. Life is not just black and white.

I belive in the divinity of the human spirit, would be a good way to put it. That EVERYONE, if they believe in something pure and true, that feels RIGHT for them, that they can honestly and wholly put their faith in, that they are on the right path. This is why I think children aren't doomed, babies who die before they can speak... they believe whole-heartedly in the universe, and I think that at death It welcomes them with open arms.

I believe that love has no boundaries, not race, religion, sex, age, language, anything... and that you CAN love more than one person at once. If you couldn't, how would a mother love all her children? How would a husband love his deceased wife and yet treasure the new wife he marries so that his children won't be alone? I love my three boys, and they love me... Nick has another girl he loves as well, and I welcome her with open arms.

I believe that love is not defined by gender. I want to make that very clear. I have loved men and women both, and I still consider Mom, Angel, Rie, Vicki, and even Boots to be women I have loved in various senses of the word. There is no limit to love, and certainly not in gender - I've gone through the Bible several times with the aid of several other people, and the conclusions I've drawn are that yes, in Leviticus the Jews were warned against homosexuality... and against touching women on their period, and against eating birds, and all sorts of other things. Belive in one, believe it all... or ignore a few, let everything fall. No fair picking and choosing. I have seen a lesbian couple who have been together for 25 years... and tens of straight couples who divorce after two. I believe that LOVE is right, wherever it is found... isn't it often quoted that "God is love"?

I believe that sex is a precious and wonderful thing... but that like EVERYTHING else two people can do together, it's only precious and wonderful if your intentions and your desires and the bonds between the two people are just as wonderful. I don't think casual sex with strangers is a great thing... but I'm not going to condemn it in someone else if they choose to live that way. It's their body, just as this is my body. I consider myself faithful to my chosen life-partners, and I will not have sex with anyone else without their knowledge, consent, and if possible, participation.

I believe that there are an infinite number of possible relationships, that every couple and partnership and grouping is different and unique, that each family or marriage or whatever should fit themselves to their needs and desires, rather than some perfect 2.4 kids, 1.5 cars molded life. In my case, a large part of what colors my relationships is BDSM, specifically consensual slavery and a certain amount of sadism and masochism. Consensual slavery: a union wherein there is a constant and consentual exchange of power, in outward appearances similar to that of the traditional slave/master relationship practiced in less socially oriented cultures. I've worked as a professional Dominatrix, a woman who dominates other people for money - no, no sex involved. I've enslaved myself to save my life and my mind more than a few times, it's a good way to escape the world when you can't escape the situation itself. It's that consensual part that is important, though.

In my relationships... with Kadin I am undoubtedly the dominant partner, with Nick the submissive partner, and with Caleb, equals... but we all switch roles at times, depending on their needs and my own. Just as in a 'normal' relationship sometimes one person makes the decisions, sometimes another does, sometimes there are compromises... this is similar, only more extreme.

Why do I want this? Because it empowers me, it makes me feel comfortable and happy and satisfied, and it makes my boys comfortable and happy and satisfied. Because it feels good, and right, and necessary. Because I have tried being 'vanilla', the standard term for someone with no desire for and no experience with BDSM... and frankly, you can keep it. I like my leather cuffs and blindfolds. There is something overwhelming, trusting your partner so much. It's a sort of trust I could never find anywhere else, and it's one of the main reasons I love my boys so deeply and dearly - I trust them, and they trust me.

We are all human, of course. No human is perfect, none of us are... we all have faults and failings. One of the joys of BDSM is that, much like a child getting a spanking, there are agreed-upon results when things go wrong. And unlike the frightened child, the partners in a BDSM relationship have a 'safeword', a word that, when used, everything stops, and we talk about what is going on. That way, if someone starts feeling uncomfortable, or needs to be held, or whatever, there's a way to make it known... I think all relationships should have a safeword, honestly, and I am somewhat ashamed that it took a good Dominatrix instructor to teach me the need for it.

I belive that abortion is not murder. I DO believe that there is a spark of life in a fetus at a surprisingly early age, and that it develops slowly. Life and self-awareness are NOT the same thing. I do not think that allowing an unconscious, soon-to-return (yes, I believe in past lives of a sort) child to return to the universe to be born at a better time, when it can be loved and treasured, is any worse than killing a clearly-living and aware creature such as a cow or a chicken for meat. When I've gone in for an abortion, and YES, I have done so, it has been with the utmost awareness of what I am doing and why. I have given birth to a child and given her up, and I have had an abortion. I believe abortion was the better choice for me.... and again, this may not be so for everyone.

I believe that a lot of bad things happened to me when I was young, some of them that I'm having a hard time even talking about, some of them that I've talked about, thought about, and gone past... and some that even now, I can't bear to think about. I was abused by at least two separate people, and I only wish that I could believe this was just some dream. It's not. I still have a lot of sexual issues, and a lot of self-worth issues, that stem from this. It's not something I am comfortable talking about, in part because I clearly remember bringing it up before, when I was younger, and being told I just imagined it, being ignored, being hushed up. I also remember Jennifer Rusco's bruises, her father, how frightened her mother was, and I remember deciding that if I just kept quiet, hey, at least it had stopped, unlike her... do you remember why I tried to help her? Because no one else in the entire Adventist church would. No one else would believe the proofs of abuse that were staring them in the face.

There's a LONG list of kids I wish I could have helped, kids who had it worse than me. Does that make my suffering any easier? No, sadly. I wish it did. I've wished for a lot of things... I used to wish, among other things, for death. Did you know how suicidal I was? Have you seen the scars on my wrists, on my ankles, the burn marks...

I believe that I have more scars on the inside than on the outside.

I belive that self-destruction is the worst and purest form of evil there is... and that it is rarely something done willingly, that before any child's hand reaches for a knife or a razor or anything similar, that somewhere, someone else had a hand in the mixing of this moment. I know why I cut myself, why I covered my hands in wax, why I played with pins and knives and anything sharp I could find... do you know? Did you know then?

Part of it is mood swings. I have a lot of them, yes... and when I'm down I am REALLY down. However, as the saying goes, 'just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you'. I have some very clear memories of things I never wanted to happen, of things that should not have happened. That's not your fault any more than it is mine or anyone else's... or perhaps I should say, that IS your fault as much as mine or anyone else's.

I belive that blame is a very foolish thing, useless in most cases. I also believe that before I can heal, that before I can go on with my life, I DO need to find out why I feel the way I do and why I am who I am. I think there is a purpose to my existance, I think that most, if not all, of my hang-ups and problems can be traced to a mix of poor health and bad experiences, and I think that the sooner I settle them, the better.

I believe that I have the right, unchanging and constant, to choose my own paths in life, to rise and fall on my own... and that I have the privilege of doing so with your support, your love, and your affection. I appreciate the things you've done for me over the years, the care you've taken to give me a decent education, a grasp of right and wrong, and a good head on my shoulders. I am thankful that you've paid attention to my health beyond the handful of asprin and antibiotics that most children face when sick. I am grateful for the years you've spent watching over me and nurturing me, and I at times regret that I didn't turn out the way I think you might have wanted me to turn out.

However, I turned out into me. Jax. And I think that's a pretty good thing to be.