It's 4:00. I've been trying on and off since around 2:30 to get ahold of the clinic so I could find out about dental stuff but since I keep getting their f'ing machine (and they are supposed to be open until 4:30 today) I'm just kind of giving up for today and fading into medication and distant, drifting thoughts.

Ow.

Dazed is a good word.

Right now I'm really just killing time until Ryan gets home, until Kadin gets off work, until Caleb calls... waiting. Surprisingly patient, and even a tad submissive (at least in a few of my desires, though I can safely say that the bits of my waiting which involve thoughts of a tiny slaveboy's voice and memories of how sweetly he struggles... those are certainly not submissive), and actually kind of overheating - it's warm here yet again.

If I can get in touch with the doctors in any USEFUL way, I'm considering ringing up my folks and seeing if my mom will come grab me Saturday. It'd give Becca and Ryan some time together alone, which would be good for them... it'd placate my mom, which could at least potentially be good for me... and *wry grin* it'll get me back to the dead-end towns and the sound of surf and just maybe something I've been missing for years. *shrugs sleepily*

I remember playing "Perfect" and "Mary Jane" for my mother a long time ago, trying to explain to her why the way she tried to control my life was both really painful and really pathetic. I'm not sure she ever really understood, but at least now she's useful, and there are even times when I find myself enjoying her company. It doesn't last long, usually... but still.

...please be honest, mary jane, are you happy? please, don't censor your tears...

Ryan and I talked a little bit last night after he and Becca had ended up having at least a portion of a Serious Conversation. Most of what we were discussing was jealousy - he's jealous of Caleb, jealous somewhat of Kadin... I'm jealous of Becca at times... she's jealous of me, and of Kadin... Caleb, I don't doubt, is jealous of Ryan - and although it wasn't about Getting Something Settled and I suspect Ryan came out of it feeling as if I still didn't entirely understand...

...although, despite, whatever, the end result is I spent last night thinking about my boys, nothing else.

Not just the 'I miss my boys' standard thoughts, either. Pulling up memory after memory, wishing I could introduce them to everyone who has ever mattered to me. They mean so much to me, and I don't tell them enough. Distance - other state, other country, other continent - and time, no time to talk and no way to hold them and so many things interfering... it hurts sometimes.

*curls tight around her memories*

Once again I find myself saying that I wouldn't trade my life for ANYONE else's. The people in it, the ones I love, the ones I share my days with, the ones I talk to and dream about and snuggle with and miss and crave, they make this a life worth having.

...be a good girl, you gotta try a little harder, that simply wasn't good enough to make us proud...

...but, see, even my parents have had to admit that in some ways my life is even better than what they could have hoped for me.

I'm alive.

I love, and am loved.

Food in tummy, roof over head, not in serious pain.

Keep your 'nice normal life' bullshit. I'll stick to being Jax.