Lack of Medication equals Jax In Pain
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- cage -

heartache
heartbreak

bootheels ringing on cold cement
can�t help wondering what she meant
can�t help watching her walk away
can�t stop wishing she�d chose to stay

padlock chiming against the door
can�t help wondering what it�s for
can�t help thinking �I wouldn�t run�
can�t stop praying it�s just in fun

the door swings shut
the lights go down
it�s cold and dark
no one around
no one watching
the time creep by
no one cares
you let yourself cry

somewhere water is dripping down
can�t help wincing at each new sound
can�t help worrying that she�s gone
can�t stop wondering what you�ve done

bootheels pausing outside the room
can�t help hoping it�s not your doom
can�t help wishing that you could hide
can�t stop praying she�ll come inside

the door swings wide
the lights flash on
blinded now
did she return?
is she waiting
to feed your fears?
can she see
your helpless tears?

bootheels clicking up to your pen
can�t help hearing her voice again
can�t help whimpering as she moves
can�t stop hoping she still approves

soft hands reach for the metal lock
soft voice bidding you not to talk
arms enfold you and pull you in...
whispered words, �you�ve pleased me again�



...it's an older poem I wrote... I think it was during my Tortured Artist phase, if I recall correctly, but considering the drugs I'm taking, it could have been written while I was being BORN and I wouldn't know it right now. *sigh*



So what I'm doing right now is just writing, letting the words fall where they may. I am happy... I am hungry... I am very f'ing tired and I Just Can't Sleep, which is driving me up a wall. I have to go see a doctor again in... oh, about three and a half hours. This so sux. I'm supposed to work tomorrow too. This sux even more.



I still haven't gotten rid of the kidney stone... this one's being a bitch, pardon my french. It's lodged in there for the duration, apparently. I've been drinking, I've been taking pills and eating fruit and trying to make it go away... no luck. And now I am out of meds, out of funnels (don't ask) and tomorrow, must go and see a doctor.



Have I mentioned recently that I don't LIKE hospitals?



However... I will be going in with a smile on my face. Why? 'Cos there are a lot of wonderful men in the world... and I, apparently, know most of them. Now if I can just stop War Wolf from cutting himself up IRL... and keep Elru happy while remembering to ask for his submission occasionally... and get over my irrational jealousy of Brandi... and actually get up the nerve to fool around with Juliet again... and spend more time with Caleb... and get in touch with Kitten... and go see Rhett and Scott...



In short, I've got a lot left to do. But... *grin* It's all ok. In the words of a previous entry: It's not so bad.



I have my slaves. I have my Doms. Sooner or later, I might even have a Master... of sorts. I know now that I'm not likely to ever be a complete slave. I am also not likely to ever be a complete Mistress. I can be one or the other to someone... both, to a few very rare someones... but neither side ever really goes away.



That's ok too.



BTW, hey you... that's right, you with the new shoes and the guild complex. Guess what? You did good. Dance away... you're NOT one of the nasty ones. You're not one of the too-perfect-to-be-human ones. You're real... and beautiful... and the simple fact that you WONDERED if you had sunk to someone else's level would indicate that to some degree, you didn't. You're still a human... still a damn interesting one at that. *wry grin*



Ok, enough said. This is me, heading for slumberland... I hope.

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