It's never easy to submit... it may have its simple moments, it certainly has its pleasures and good points, but overall, honest, real submission is not easy. It's not the lesser evil. It's not something you can do for a lark, something to be experienced halfheartedly.

And that's what makes this part so frustrating and miserable. See, sooner or later every pet, every slave, every toy, every playmate, who comes through... all of them get to a point where they realize that the submission I want, the real thing, isn't something they can just throw on like a mask when they feel like, and ignore the rest of the time. Admittedly, for most of them, it's not THAT much of an issue - all they want to be is playmates, they don't want to be anything more. But for a few, the ones who know what I truly want and actually want to give it, actually want to submit, for them...

...yeah. It's not easy. And for each one who realizes what I want, and tries to do that, to give that, there comes a moment where it seems TOO hard. Where they, for just that moment, give up... ignore rules, shrug off promises, and generally let it all go hang.

And I have to decide if it's worth doing something about.

For many of them, it's not. Even if I expressed my disappointment and displeasure, now that they know that I really DO mean this whole 'submission' thing and that they aren't just gonna get their rocks off and go on with life, they don't care. They want a playmate, someone who fits their fantasy or whatever. They want the Perfect Domme who lives in their own head - I'm not her.

For a few, it's actually worth while. A very few. It's worth it to give them another chance, to teach them, because they actually do learn and even though it's hard, they do WANT to submit.

I'm not making this very clear, and I know that... medication has worn off and I'm in a hell of a lot of pain, plus I am incredibly disappointed in someone right now. Let me see if I can explain this without going into too much detail... hrm.

When a slave is bound, the bonds are not to be removed without permission (I'm not talking about in-case-of-fire sorts of things, THOSE are excusable - safety over submission, 99% of the time, yes) and preferably, not without a direct order. For example: if I tie a slave's hands together, I expect that the slave will not then purposely UNtie his or her hands. Similarly, if I tell a slave to put on handcuffs, I expect that they will not be removed until I give permission. You follow?

Now, let's take it a bit further. It's fun sometimes to have a slave struggle when he or she is bound, right? But that's assuming the slave won't get out. If I tie a slave with thread, I damned well expect him to go out of his way not to break the thread - not because he can't do it, but because he knows I expect him to stay bound. Ditto my Mark - if it is put on a slave, it's because I want him Marked. NOT so that he has something to rub off, wash away, etc. Still with me here?

Good.

So. I'd told this particular slave that I wanted his wrists bound together in a particular fashion... and guess what? He unties them, removing them, without bothering to even ask permission. So I tell him that he's to keep them bound for a while, a reminder to make sure that next time, he remembers not to untie them... he agrees.

And unties them again.

He didn't say 'no, sorry, there's something I want to do that will involve having my hands free'. He didn't say 'please, don't, I beg you not to'. He didn't email with a 'sorry, this urgent thing came up, please may I'. He didn't THINK. He just disobeyed. *sighs*

So now, obviously, I'm a bit upset - if all I wanted was brain-dead automatons who had to be told to do every little thing, I'd go play Civilization. He and I are talking, and I ask him if he'd picked up something I had told him to get, thinking that if he had, hey, I could at least use that as a good reason to give him another chance, since he'd at least there proved he was trying to obey, right? Wrong. He'd decided out of the blue that he didn't need to get them. No, I hadn't TOLD him not to get them... he just assumed I wouldn't want them any more. *blinks*

By now, as you can imagine, I'm more than a little upset. That makes three times in less than what, 24 hours? that he's done something displeasing, and in all three cases he seems to go out of his way to actually make it worse, once I find out about it... gods.

I'm very disappointed. I'm very displeased. And I'm more than a little sad, because like I said, everyone gets to the point where they seem to stop caring... and only a few go past it.

He will have one more chance. One last chance. *shrugs* If he still doesn't care enough to at least TRY to obey, then... well, then that's all there is.

I've been writing angry out... getting it on the page instead of in my head.

So I'm not angry.

Now if I could only find words for the sorrow and the hurt... but those tend to be harder to get rid of. *sighs* It's not even that I expect constant obedience... just... if I ask for something that you CAN'T do, or even WON'T do, at least tell me that when I'm asking? *shakes her head*

I wish this particular lesson could be taught without this aweful ache. I wish I could watch one of my pets fail without crying for him, and for myself. I wish life were easy. I wish submission were easy.

Ehh... it wouldn't matter as much, it wouldn't be as precious, if just anyone could do it, I suppose.