I've a new cavity. RIGHT between my two front teeth. I noticed it today because I was eating cereal, nice solid metal spoon... and knocked my front teeth good. I'd already had to get half of one tooth replaced when I was littler, a guy at school slammed my face into the drinking fountain and knocked half my tooth off. I'd like to add that a) he never got in trouble for it at ALL, as far as I could tell, and b) his name, honest to god, was Elvis. That might have been punishment enough.

Anyway. So I'm in fairly major tooth pain right now. And (still) have no health insurance. I need to fix this as of Monday. This is SO not going to be fun. But I'll manage, right? Somehow? Ok. Yeah. Me... cope. I can do this.

Kadin and -D-. Whose real name, incidentally, is Alex. Shades of the past... someone stop me. Already feeling as if I'm on the edge of a cliff, about to break one of those pretty resolutions. Part of that might be that winamp is using a condensed playlist, love songs and sad songs and talk of violence and misery and everything wrong with the world. I put that playlist on to console myself, to hurt myself, to keep me 'in the mood' while I was RP-ing the fate of my young mouse alt... and it stuck. It aches.

Caleb woke today and it took me a long time to break away from the computer to go snuggle him, if it weren't for the fact that I could FEEL him nearly in tears I don't know if I would have left this seat at all. Alex and Kadin were online. *shrugs* I hugged him and snuggled him. He needed it.

Rob's invited me to go to Vancouver Lake... and I know already I can't. I have no way to get there, I'm filthy, I'm hurting, and I just want to hide.

Something inside is tearing at me. And it seems, somehow, to be ripping at everyone around me as well, as if my misery is somehow contagious, as if whatever I touch or care about will shortly experience the same pain and frustration I'm feeling. This is not good. It's also, I'm sure, not rational... but I can't make myself stop believing it.

I want a bath, but there are hordes of people over and I can't use the bathroom upstairs.

I'm hallucinating again - how perfect is that? Sick, tired, not enough sleep... I shouldn't be surprised, should I? But I am, somehow. I don't want to be hallucinating, don't want the wide eyes and starts and fits, don't want to be peering into the shadows and corners to see if I really DID see something there, even though I know I didn't... it feels as if I'm caught in a nightmare.

I hate this feeling, I despise it. It's the one that makes me huddle up and feel as if I can't do anything. It's the one that tears into me with claws and teeth and vicious, poisoned words that leave me breathless, speechless.

I need to write to Slash, to apologise, to find some way to make up for being me, for being female, for flaking out. Gods... there's so much I need to do, and it should all be easy, it should seem simple, but in point of fact I think I'm about to collapse. This is so not good.

PMS. I've been telling myself for two days it's PMS, before that it was mood swings, now what is it? It's not just passing. It's not going away. I've had cheerful moments over the last few days but this has been lurking, building.

Why me?

Some questions I guess don't really have answers. I don't dare take a shower - I have visions of something coming in, sneaking, silent, paws or scales or just bare feet on tile... I can't leave. There's too many frightening things out there. And I can't stay here, it's not safe... I want to curl up in the cage and trust that someone is standing guard. But... right now...

...right now, I don't think I trust anyone to do that. Right now, I don't even trust myself.

But then, when have I ever trusted me?