Kate, Nreshan, and Me
Previous - this entry written on February 02, 2008 at 6:58 pm - Next
Wow. So I was sleepin' and had left AIM on and guess what I woke up to? *amused*
charmingkate: I have been reading your diary
charmingkate: I met Nreshan and talked to him on the phone a few times. He's a real sweetheart.
charmingkate: "I'd always wondered why I led the life I did, why I'd had the problems, the stresses, the revelations, the gifts, the terrors... all of it, ALL of it, it's come together"
charmingkate: The reason why you are the way you are is because you were sexually abused as a child. So you objectify yourself to make yourself feel good, for the rush because being an object and being used is the only thing that feels "normal" for you
charmingkate: You have delusions of greatness and compare yourself to great gods and great men, because you are not great. Because you are weak and you are afraid of who you are and who you've been. I am sure that you have no idea what lies beyond tomorrow and no matter how hard you try to see your own future all that lays before you is a wall of unending darkness and uncertainty.
charmingkate: You hate yourself so you continually objectify yourself. You make yourself feel loved by jumping into bed because that is what you know.
charmingkate: I know all this because you and I are alike. The main difference being that I am trying to overcome my past and you are wallowing in yours, using it as an excuse to abuse people and abuse yourself. It's all you've ever known and you don't want to think outside the box.
charmingkate: Nreshan will NEVER go back to you. Fear is not respect, fear is not love. You abused him, you did not love him. He went to you out of fear, not from love. He is with someone now who TRULY cares about him and he is surrounded by healthy relationships and people who will protect him from the dark hole that is you. He won't fall back to you because he has people telling him he is worthy, he is great, he is good
charmingkate: And you have people enabling you, enabling your fears and self-hatred, and until you want something different that is all you will ever have. That is what your life will be. No matter what name you put on it, no matter what you say or what conclusions you come to you will never change and you will continue to hate yourself, and you will continue to be unhappy and alone, even as you're in bed with a dozen different people.
charmingkate: Nreshan has escaped you and will not be back.
For those of you playing along at home, Nreshan is a delicious boy who I met... oh, ages ago, about the same time as Kadin and Torian, and in the same place, Furcadia. Yes, he's a furre. YES, I'm a... yeesh, don't you pay attention? Furre. Furvert. Feline for preference, with Ursa and Serpentis taking active roles lately, and a bit of Mouse when I'm not paying attention. Anyway!
So Nreshan used to belong to me. He managed to piss me off more than any male has been able to do in YEARS, enough that I booted him to the curb as it were. Yeah, I was totally overreacting; no, even if I'd been reacting rationally he still would have deserved it. Long story. Still, I talked to him occasionally, he's an incredibly nifty person on his own and we'd known each other for quite a while.
A little while ago, his current love (who he's been on-again off-again since before he met me) hopped online demanding I give her the keys to the kingdom, or at least tell her what buttons I pushed in his head so she can push them herself/un-push them, and she informed me that he would OMG nevar speak to me agains! As the boy's one of the most naturally submissive people I have ever met, yes, it's reasonable that anyone he's with is going to be Domme, and posessive. *grin* Gods know I was.
So yeah, out of the blue this new person starts messaging me. Best guess? Either it's his light-o-love under a different name, or it's someone with so little to do that sticking their nose into other peoples' business has become a hobby. Anyway, it amused the hell out of me, so I figured I'd share. Plus hey, this way Nreshan can see what's being said about him - I make it a point not to talk behind his back. *sticks her tongue out at the lovely and extremely hilarious Kate*
Oh hai, she's messaging me again... hang on, hang on, I'll post this too. ^.^
charmingkate: I see you got my messages. Funny how you run to nreshan for reassurance
thatstrangegyrl: *petpet* Funny how I assume he has enough of a brain to tell me on his own if I were being a horrible bitch and he wanted me to stop talking to him.
thatstrangegyrl: Hang on about ten more minutes and you can feel all angsty about my diaryland post too. ^.^
charmingkate: The only thing your diaryland posting makes me feel is pity, and slightly disgusted that you would treat yourself the way you do
charmingkate: you're 25, 26?
thatstrangegyrl: 29, hon. Happily married, own more wonderful people than I can shake a stick at, no debt, nice car, and hey, I even have hamsters. *smile* Thanks for the pity, and you're right, it's terrible that I enjoy myself so much and have so much fun, utterly horrible. What a crime.
charmingkate: You obviously aren't a happy person
charmingkate: and you don't "own" anyone
charmingkate: you surround yourself with people who are as emotionally unbalanced as you are that think they deserve to be treated like crap and objectified
charmingkate: makes you feel normal to be around people like yourself
charmingkate: "Happy" people don't do the things you do
charmingkate: they don't need to.
thatstrangegyrl: Ooh, ooh, ooh... you seem to be very concerned about 'Nre - has he explained to you what that name means yet, btw, or why he won't stop using it? - and yet you claim people can't be owned? Yeesh. Posession, ownership, it's a state of mind, much like marriage or dating or even family. When someone matters so much to you that you would do anything, give anything, for them... in a very real sense, they DO own you. Sit down and talk with him sometime, he might be able to explain it better than I can.
charmingkate: The thing is though that people like Nreshan did do anything for you was because you essentially tortured him
charmingkate: You can convince anyone to do or say anything if you abuse them long enough, no different than a dog
charmingkate: Marriage, family and friendship, normal healthy relationships are based on equality, respect and love. Your relationships are based on humiliation and control
thatstrangegyrl: *fond smile* ...actually yes, I did torture him, quite a few times. Consensually, erotically, and in ways he thoroughly enjoyed. I also was there for him, held him when the other woman he loved hurt him, listened when he wanted to cry about her, patched him back up after she fucked him over just as I'm sure she patched him up whenever I managed to wound him too deep.
charmingkate: Hurting people is not part of love, or relationships
charmingkate: excuse me, healthy relationships
thatstrangegyrl: Oh gods... hon, in a normal human relationship, be it kink or vanilla, sooner or later, people get hurt. In a healthy relationship, you take whatever steps you can to make sure that any pain you cause accidentally you can fix, and that you cause it as little as possible. You're mistaking one type of erotic play for actual damage, I think. It's... hmm. It's like someone yelling at someone else for giving a massage because OMG it might be painful when you start. *amused*
charmingkate: So you think Post Traumatic Stress Disorder happens from accidentally hurting someone's feelings?
charmingkate: I should start talking to my mother again, she kept saying she didn't mean it when she hit me and she loved me so that must make it okay?
thatstrangegyrl: *highly amused* Apples and oranges, hon. I meant it every single time I disciplined him, just as a drill sargeant means it when they scold a recruit or a teacher means it when they have a misbehaving pupil sit in the hall.
charmingkate: Please, humor me and stop calling me "hon"
thatstrangegyrl: Kk. ^.^
charmingkate: And what was the purpose of your education?
thatstrangegyrl: To bring him out from under the rock he had been hiding beneath. To show him what I expected of a lover, and to give him skills which any other dominant woman would appreciate in him. In some cases, it was mutual pleasure; in others, he'd bitch and sulk... and then afterward, admit he was glad I stood up to him and that he had indeed learned something.
charmingkate: I don't see apples and oranges. My mother meant to "correct" my for "misbehaving" so she beat me claiming it was for love. I see the difference between you and a teacher or drill sargeant is that those two are disciplining and educating for the greater good of the pupil, you are disciplining for power and control. Very selfish.
charmingkate: And there are far fewer dominant women in the world than you think. Even I am to an extent but not to the levels you bring it to. I do not like men to be so submissive that they bow to my every whim. He's learning that now, btw.
thatstrangegyrl: *smile* That, entertainingly, is a rather common misinterpretation. Ask any psychologist - in a consensual relationship, which an online relationship MUST be, if he didn't consent he could just stop talking with me among other things, the submissive partner has considerably more power than the dominant partner.
charmingkate: If you spoke with a psychologist you would never leave the office, to be quite frank with you.
charmingkate: And what I am doing with you right now, I could start talking dirty nasty sex with you but there is no dominant submissive online, it's all fantasy
thatstrangegyrl: *chuckles* Want to tell that to the psychologist I still see once a month just to make sure that I'm NOT the demented loon you seem to take me for? She's a very lovely lady and I know she's accepting new clients.
charmingkate: I can pretend that the best thing in my life would be for your to beat me with a strap on with a ball in my mouth but it's all a game
charmingkate: i am all set in the mental health department. She's probably accepting new clients because she isn't any good.
thatstrangegyrl: ...if it's all a game, why are you upset that I played it with Nreshan? If it's NOT a game, why are you upset that I enjoyed it, not upset that he enjoyed it?
thatstrangegyrl: Can't have it both ways.
charmingkate: Let me think for a moment to see how to word this. Just a moment please.
charmingkate: The reason why you enjoyed it is because you are in an unhealthy frame of mind and you do not know what a healthy relationship is. I cannot be upset that he enjoyed it because he did NOT enjoy it. I know this because of the very obvious after effects I have seen. I can only be upset that you don't see that the way you treated him was wrong. In every abusive relationship the dominant partner beats down the submissive partner to the point that he/she believes that there is no other way, there is no escape and that is how things are. The submissive partner has been essential brainwashed into believe that the behavior is acceptable and believes escape is impossible.
charmingkate: Which is why so many battered women kill their husbands
charmingkate: it's the only way out
thatstrangegyrl: O.o ...wow. So you're comparing an online relationship that he enjoyed (and which, btw, involved occasional switching - ask him about the number of times he decided it would be fun to rape an elf) to spousal abuse.
charmingkate: It wasn't solely online
thatstrangegyrl: We met ONCE.
charmingkate: And when was that exactly? I didn't take note of the date on your page.
thatstrangegyrl: *smile* You can go look it up if you're curious.
charmingkate: The only thing I'm curious about at this point is that you realize you don't want to have sex, yet you do and regret it afterwards but feel you are not in an unhealthy relationship
charmingkate: excuse me, that you are not in an unhealthy state of mind and objectifying yourself
thatstrangegyrl: ...what? When have I regretted having sex?
charmingkate: it was on your page
thatstrangegyrl: *wants to see this*
charmingkate: It's your page, why don't you go find it? You wrote it
charmingkate: you can't imagine why your life is the way it is, you wrote that too
charmingkate: not the words of a woman who is confident and happy with herself and her life
thatstrangegyrl: See, the thing is, I don't recall this. I'm not going to go on a wild goose chase. That last line is a fairly recent one and as I recall has very little to do with sex, but that I WILL go check, since I remember writing it. If you're certain I was complaining about sex, you're going to have to prove it.
charmingkate: You said that you only feel attractive after you're done fucking, because you feel you are fat and unattractive
thatstrangegyrl: Yes, there have been days when that's true. *amused* What, don't you get PMS?
charmingkate: No, I do not
thatstrangegyrl: You're very fortunate. *smile* However, being depressed occasionally and irrationally because my hormones are out of whack isn't the same as hating my life.
charmingkate: I was also never as promiscuous as you obviously are at your late age
thatstrangegyrl: Ooh, late age? Whee, I'm finally getting called old! *grin* Nanny Ogg, here I come... err, 'scuse me. That's a reference to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, a great bunch of books.
charmingkate: So your PMS is why you don't sleep at night?
thatstrangegyrl: No, spinal arthritis and two fractured discs in my lower back is why I don't sleep at night.
thatstrangegyrl: And after a few weeks of not sleeping, my body gets over-stressed, unable to clear out each day's toxins during the sleep cycle as most bodies do, and then I get cranky and bitchy and rant online and then go take a nap and feel better.
charmingkate: the "day's toxins" that get cleared out as you say are the memories and sights, smells and sounds that are associated with them being sorted through your brain. Like a defragmenter for your computer for lack of a better comparison
charmingkate: When I started reading your page the first thing I noticed is that you talk the way I wanted to be not too long ago
thatstrangegyrl: *nod* Exactly. Lack of sleep - fragmented memories, stress, and other negatives. I'm still not sure how that makes your point. Also, you've got... oh, 12 more minutes, and then I need to go get ready for Rocky.
charmingkate: Women and men who engage in sexual activity the way that you do it is because of the fragmented memories that cannot be processed through sleep. Promiscuous sex is a form of self destructive behavior, not different from drugs or alcohol. Women and men who go into the sex trade also fit into that category. You learned at an early age that that is what you are good for and you've just adopted it as your every day behavior.
charmingkate: *waits for denial*
thatstrangegyrl: *chuckles softly* No, lass. I'm aware you don't know me personally, or you wouldn't say that. I make a point of making a difference in the world. I don't need to list off my accomplishments or tell you how many different ways I volunteer my time, talents, and resources to help in the community, but if you're really curious I'd be willing to go over some of the programs I've been involved with, show you my art portfolio, and introduce you to a few people whose lives I've saved.
charmingkate: All those abortions you have were certainly a contribution to mankind
thatstrangegyrl: That will have to wait at least until tomorrow, though. You're welcome to add me to your list and ask me tomorrow, but as I said, I've got to go in... six minutes.
thatstrangegyrl: *petpet* If you want to argue abortion, there are a lot of other people willing to yell about both sides of the issue. I have better uses for my time today.
charmingkate: I am pro choice and I had an abortion about three years ago
charmingkate: but not as a form of birth control, which is the difference
thatstrangegyrl: Like I said, if you want to argue abortion, find someone else. Is there anything else?
charmingkate: enjoy Rocky
thatstrangegyrl: *grin* I always do.
thatstrangegyrl: I'd be happy to continue this conversation later, if you'd like; if not, I hope you enjoy your evening. *pads off*
charmingkate: message me anytime
So yeah, 'Nre luv, please ask your fan club to tone it down a bit. Entertaining as this was, it'll get old if it keeps happening. I have always assumed, and still do, that if you have a problem with me or if you're upset about something I did, you'd talk about it with me.
On the whole though, I'm glad to have had this conversation - there are a few things there that I hadn't found the words for or remembered I wanted to write down. And hey, the next time someone wants to chew my ears off, they can just come read this and I won't have to repeat myself. ^.^
And now, time to wake Cate, get m'face on, and get ready to head out to Rocky... wonder if it's still snowing? Hmm, I'd better bring an extra scarf just in case.
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