I think I want to die now.

Here. Go away. Drown in someone else's sorrows for the day, please, after this. I might not be updating for a while.

*shrugs, fairly quiet*

Oh. Furcadia just released a new character type - the Phoenix is here. $39.95. As if I had money. If any one of you feels generous... *shrugs again* ...my character's name is Alyssa D'ath. If not, eh... go buy yourself some ice cream or something. Make yourself happy. I seem to be bad at making people happy today... I guess we all have our off days. This is most definitely mine.

And no, I haven't slept yet.

---

*sigh*

It's been too long since I've written. Apparently you were online while I was out playing wait-for-me-stupid with Scott (still a bit pissed about that). I haven't stopped kicking myself for missing you. *wry grin* Admittedly, I'd no idea you'd be there... but I miss you, boy.

The antibiotics that were supposed to clear up the kidney infection are apparently ones I am allergic too.

Out again. Another week gone... and no word regarding sick leave or disability pay. I wish it were otherwise. I've checked into the balance on the cards, re-checked ticket prices ten times over... unless the disability pay comes through bigtime, I'm not going to make it in time.

*nuzzles you gently, hugging you, missing you a lot right now*

It's 8:00 in the morning here. I haven't slept yet... I've tried writing this letter twice, each time it came out wrong. I've decided to just send this copy, no matter how it turns out.

I want you to know that I love you, kitten. I don't want you to doubt it for a heartbeat. You are one of the most wonderful people in my life, and I refuse to give you up. You're well worth waiting for, frustrating and infuriating as the waiting is.

I've been sitting here, listening to far too many songs that remind me of you and staring at the screen for nearly an hour. Right now "My Only Love" just kicked in... gods. If someone had told me six months ago that I'd feel this... this empty... I think I would have laughed. I don't know how you did it, I don't know WHY, or anything... I know I miss you, theunre. I know I need you here, in my arms, at my feet, by my side. I know that I won't be happy, won't be whole, until you are here.

Vicki thinks, and I do a bit as well, that a lot of the reason for my body's inability to recover quickly is stress. *wry grin* If that's true, then in a couple months I'll be a hell of a lot healthier. Not having to wonder where you are... if you're ok... knowing that all I need to do is look, and I'll see you... that you are here... that I can spend time holding you, talking with you, teasing you, playing, joking... living...

*another, slightly wobbly grin*

I really shouldn't write long letters around this time of the month. They always end up kinda overemotional. Although in this case, the emotions are honest.

*sings quietly*

"The mask keeps on slipping and tearing, holes are big enough to see..."

"...so slow you see me... disappear... taken in, taken away..."

*shrugs, pulling you closer, roughly, missing the half-dreamed feel of you, missing the times when she could close her eyes and imagine you there and have it seem real... missing your voice, the sight of you, even the simple flow of text over the screen, reminding her that you were there, that you were hers*

I love you, Kadin. Had I said that yet? I do. I love you far more than I used to think I should, far more than is sane or rational or healthy. I love you, I love you, I love you. *hugs* Please, be ok... wherever you are right now, please, do me a favor and smile...

"Caught in one more fairy tale..."

This feels almost like a story, and it's at the painful part, where it seems like the world itself is turned against the hero and heroine... where no matter what plans are made, something goes wrong... distance, such horrible distance.

Write me a happy ending, my kitten. If you've even a moment to type, write me that. Your words are beautiful... time and time again they've spun me out of depression and anger into pleasure, contentment, joy. Once more...

*sighs*

Part of me is being quite insistant, so, from that part: Dammit, boy, WRITE! I have no idea when you're online if you don't tell me, I can't always even find the strength to sit up right now, between the vicodin, the pain, the nasty medications, and the lack of sleep... it's almost as hard for me to get to a computer and do anything useful as it is for you. So no excuses. Get off your ass and actually WRITE. The library computers have disk drives, don't they? Write at home if you can (if there's a computer where you are, anyway) and bring it in. Then it's just a moment's work to copy and paste. I'm getting annoyed by the lack of letters... I'm sure you are as well, and I am doing my best to rectify that. At least let me know what the hell's going ON when you're around. Don't just talk to Rob and Grr and let it go at that.

*kicks that part of her back in its box and returns to snuggling you*

I've written a bit more... eh, a lot more... most of it will never see the light of day, it's not... not something I want the world seeing, I guess.

Some of it's old... things that hit me again, that I changed a word or two on and had to stop, crying or swearing or just so tired... *shrug*

when you bow your head

dropping your gaze

not quite meeting her eyes

when you kneel before her

crouching low

your body humbled

your mind entranced

when you whisper softly

perhaps her name

perhaps just �please�

when you raise your hands

silent supplication

a quiet small gesture of hope

when you tremble and shiver

trying not to move

your body uncontrollable

when you fall

she is there

...and some of it's newer, things that I can't really find words for, hungers poured out into text...

never believe in mercy, you who read this. never believe it exists, because in the world I slide into when this mood hits, it truly ceases to be... no more mercy, no more kindness, just hunger and power and satisfaction, a never-ending spiral that feeds on itself, growing stronger and stronger... until finally it explodes... turns into something greater... and I am again at peace. But until then...

...until then, only the music can keep me calm enough to exist without destruction. Music soothes me, lets me dream of what it is I crave, lets me exist in the sweet ache for minutes... hours... days... and in all of it, never lets me fall further than I need. Music is my steam valve, the way I let off pressure without damaging anything except my own mind. It straightens my thoughts, lets me pour the madness onto the screen, onto the page, anywhere but out into real life where it would scar the unfortunate people it caressed as I let it run free...

...and every now and then it's simple. Pure. Something so overwhelming that I CAN find words, they just fail to match it.

I love you.

Iri theunre linta, satao epeta.

Iri takn linta.

Iri dehan linta.

I... it means. It hurts. It fills.

The words are again flying away... I can't hold onto them long enough to force them to express what I'm feeling. I miss you. I miss the conversations where when the words left, there was still that perfect, comfortable silence. I miss knowing that if I hurt, if I was angry, if I was happy, or sad, or amused... that I could share it, take it out on you if I needed, give it to you if I wanted, that I could turn your entire day around with a few short words...

...I miss being able to make you smile.

I've been re-reading log files and chat histories and old letters... it's not enough. I've been taking and breaking new slaves, looking, hoping... but none of them distracts me enough, none of them comes close to replacing you.

"Sweet Jane" is playing now. Slow, sad. It matches my mood. It's what... *checks the clock* 11:30 your time? Are you waking up, pet? Stretching, yawning... and before you even really climb out of bed, before anything else, turning your head and facing this way, just long enough to whisper my name? Every now and then in the mornings, and late at night, I'd swear I hear your voice. Just that faint echo... remembering what I heard over the speakers, the phone... remembering how good it felt to hear you call to me.

Perhaps you're already up. What then...? Reading? Have you finished the Beauty books, kitten? Did you enjoy them?

*tries to grin... fails spectacularly*

One of my favorite pictures is still of you reading, curled up on the floor... quiet, calm... my treasured, wonderful, pleasing slave. I remember why you said you'd moved there - because you thought it would please me, because it was fitting. Gods.

When you're here I'm going to hold you, listen to "Tomorrow, Wendy" and watch you, wait to see if you cry or just look back at me, see if you can feel the hundreds of times I've sat here, staring at a dark screen, listening to that... to other songs... and thought about you, wished to talk with you, wanted your presence... and not had that wish, that desire, that need granted.

I think...

*nods slowly*

I think that the second time I hurt you, it will be purely because I had to spend so many hours without you. It'll be the only time I will ever come close to punishing you for that... and you are, and will always be, forgiven... but Daya, just once, I want to SEE that you share this pain.

I want you to ache as much as I am right now.

I want to believe that you miss me as much as I miss you.

I've... *stops*

Gah. More tears. Go 'way, tears. You aren't wanted. I don't want to cry. I'm tired of crying. *sniffles* "Butterfly" now... yeah, ok, so this is NOT a cheerful playlist, right now... every song that comes up reminds me of you. It's nearly to the point where I don't want to turn on Winamp at all.

I've stopped making pictures.

I write only when I can stand sitting at the computer... which isn't as often as I'd like.

The newest Furc update has kept Furcadia absolutely unusable for days.

What do I do with my time? Sleep... try to get better... stare at the latest pillbottle and argue with the gods about whether or not I actually deserve to be trapped in a body that seems to be falling apart... I talk to Grr a bit, sometimes. Rhett, too... War Wolf/Nreshan as well. It helps, sometimes.

The rest of the time it just feels... *shrug* I don't know. It feels empty. Do you feel this too, boy? The horrible hollowness inside, as if there's something missing, something important, something that you can't really live without for long? I hope so.

*amused*

Wolfen One.

*sways slowly, listening to the slow beat*

Wolfen One... you are my midday moon, and I your midnight sun...

Wolfen One... our journey's at an end, but life has just begun...

When first we met, I thought that what I felt could not be true...

But through the sharing of our hearts, there now is one where there was two.

Left to ride the meeting of the darkened day and dawning night...

Drawn to tune, the joining of the shining sun and silver moon...

I knew the risk I took when down beside you I had laid...

And lo, the breath of two new lives was well worth the price I paid.

Wolfen One... come dance with me and gaze back at what we have done...

Wolfen One, we've sown the threads by which the future shall be spun.

Wolfen one... you are my midday moon, and I your midnight sun...

*nuzzles you again, quiet, listening to "As The World Falls Down" now, highly sentimental, overly romatic, emotional, dramatic... yep, same old Jax.*

I do miss you, boy.

Think of me today... think of me EVERY day.

Don't forget that I am here.

Remember that you are owned, and loved, and treasured.

*hugs you tightly*

Be well, my slave. I look forward to your next letter... and even more, to the time when I can have more of you than text and a few stolen moments on a library phone.

Iri theunre h'lien, satao epeta.

Linta sa tequeo.

- Jax -

-><- Sound the horns loudly, call the hounds... we will ride bravely through the hunting grounds... -><-