It was going so well...

...and now all I can think of is the look in Kadin's eyes when he doesn't have any tears left, when he has almost given up hope that the suffering will stop, when he's desperate and aching and GODS, so fucking beautiful...

...the sound of his voice. Whimpers. Whine, purr, any noise he can think of, he doesn't DARE speak because so often that triggers my rage, but those tiny, helpless noises he knows I love...

...words, when he does dare speak. Those words, he pours himself into them, heart and soul and mind and body all into a few precarious phrases, he's perched on the edge of an abyss and he knows it, I can see him trying so carefully to build a bridge to safety out of those words...

...the way he nuzzles against me, pressing close. It's fascinating. He knows I am the one hurting him, knows everything he feels right then is pouring out of me, my hands and my eyes and my voice and my sex used against him, tormenting him, but still he clings to me with eyes that are wide, still tearful, his mere presence displaying nothing as much as a plea for mercy, protection. He looks at me as if I am his savior, even when the thing he wants to be saved from is me...

...the cage behind me, it's covered, but the door is unblocked and I can just barely see inside. Fuzzy blanket, a couple faded pillows, and my mind replays image after image of a small boy curled up, fingers pressed against the bars or tucked under his cheek, naked sometimes, other times in little more than a long tunic or a pair of shorts, a collar around his throat and Daya, the look in his eyes is priceless...

...I am hungry again.

It hit so fast...

Apparently trying to balance myself out worked... poorly. I forgot that I've only gotten the illusion of control recently. Nothing solid. Nothing real. Nothing satisfying.... junk food. *shrugs* And then last night. Bad Jax. BAD Jax. Because now the hunger is building fast and furious and all I can think of is getting someone here, going there, I don't care what it takes or what the cost is.

I want a boy at my feet. At my side. In my arms. I want. I need. I crave.

...if you don't have it you're on the other side...