Laelith And Pain
Previous - this entry written on December 26, 2002 at 6:33 pm - Next

"...last twist of the knife..."

*curls up, purring oh-so-faintly, her eyes gleaming, entire body vibrating with pleasure* It is so much more than that. So much more than the incidental - yes, it IS incidental - pain that accompanies that first realization. It is a doorway that a lot of people never even walk through.

It is a gateway to me.

I have a hard time explaining it, in part because the words are difficult to find and in part because explaining it actually weakens the effect, makes it less... useful? And it IS useful, believe me.

If I sat and lectured for an hour straight on what various little things mean to me, and how I react, and what matters, and what makes me happy/sad/disappointed/amused/whatever... then all it would be is words. This way, it's not going to be forgotten, ever. This way there is a memory locked away, emotion and sound and sensation all tied in with the few words needed to push the entire thing over the edge, to make it more than just something-in-passing... to make it worthwhile, worth learning from.

This IS how I teach.

It's not fun, generally. It's not easy much of the time. But it's effective, consistantly and thoroughly effective.

Why do I do it? Why do I cause pain, why do I twist the knife...

...and bleed my aching heart / and tear it apart...

Line there from "#1 Crush" by Garbage - look it up sometime. It actually explains quite a bit of the 'why' of things.

...I will crawl on hands and knees / until you see / you're just like me...

I do this because I have yet to find a more effective, more certain, more complete, more dependable, more SOLID way to show what I need and what I feel and what I expect and what I desire.

Yes, I want to learn what my boys feel... and need... and desire... and want... and however they find to show me, I am willing and glad to learn, even if it is painful sometimes. In return, and with PLENTY of warning... I only ask that they learn from me.

I want them to know me... how can they love me, if they don't know me? *shrugs quietly, curling up, paws tucked beneath her now, eyes fading to their normal hazel shade*

It IS love that urges this. I would not waste my time, I would not suffer the pain ~I~ feel when I hurt them, if it were not for love.

Laelith, the Tilirreh of Violet - Your Tilirr Quiz Result

Which of the Lords of Rainbow do you serve?

Laelith symbolizes spiritual and divine Love. She is the Lady of the Way Things Are.

Violet light is the most subtle in the spectrum and represents delicate receptivity. Violet contains in it the mystery and strength of unconditional love in perfect silence.

If you have a Laelith-guided personality then you are a loyal friend and a faithful lover, capable of great self-sacrifice and transcendent in your humility. Taken to extremes this may evolve into a self-effacing tendency and low self-esteem, so remember that to be fair and true to the spirit of Laelith you need to honor and love yourself as well as you love others.

A force of tradition in the best sense of the word, you never forsake anyone and you preserve what is best in all things. History is what you hold together, with a delicate thread of consistency and hope be it the history of a single being or the whole world.

Caregivers, healers and doctors, antiquarians and historians, psychologists and sociologists, restorers and museum curators are often guided by the gentle merciful light of Laelith.

Laelith-guided, you are the seemingly quiet and gentle yet indomitable force of support, compassion, and understanding to those around you. You are the shoulder to cry on and the mother who consoles, the father who protects, the sister who shares, the brother who stands nearby, the friend who will always be there, and the lover who will cherish and honor.

You are like a warm blanket of love and caring that never fails, never gives up, and that can withstand all conflict and requires no reciprocation. You are the last bastion when all else fails. You grant merciful forgiveness despite rejection and misunderstanding. You are the voice that will answer despite confusion and darkness.

More so than all the other Tilirr Personalities, you offer unconditional love and strength even in your own moments of weakness. For you have fathomed the Violet Mystery of Laelith that love simply is.

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