It's not just you. I... gods, it makes me frightened, disgusted, outright angry. Not with anyone else. With me. There are a very few people in this world that I would give the moon to if I could, people that I would be willing to die for, and just as certainly willing to live for. There really aren't many of them, and they've been accumulated over 18-19 years.

Angel.

Rhett.

Caleb.

Kadin.

Torian.

Ryan.

Elru.

Seven names, seven people who make me want to live, who remind me that no matter what happens, at least for a while it was - is - all worth it. His entry left me actually in tears. His apology mattered more to me than every word my parents every said. It... I'm tripping over my fingers, I can't even seem to get the words out today. Ashamed, my fingers hiding themselves behind a wall of garble and error. Ashamed because for the last 5-6 months I have done the one thing I pray they never do.

Not forgotten... but not given the attention and care they deserve. Angel... she can get in touch on her own, really. Elru, Rhett *nibblegrin*, I miss you both and I've no real idea where to start - there's too much here to fit into this entry, but I'm trying. Caleb... Kadin... Torian... Ryan... I love you.

I love you.

I've found everything I need, everything I want, everything I crave, everything that I thought when I was 15 I'd never find, when I was 18 I believed I'd left it behind, and which only now I've realized that you are my light and my love and my life.

I miss you.

I love you.

I know that I've been nearly invisible in your worlds for far too long, and I'd no idea why. I think I can put a finger on part of it, the part that the anti-depressants and anti-seizure medication are slowly but surely healing over. That's only part of it.

I don't know what else is here, holding me back, keeping me quiet, helping me forget, but I know there's something. I need to ask you for a favor, the biggest favor I've asked of anyone ever.

Don't forget me. Help me remember. Help me be there - here - for you. I love you too much to willingly lose you but I don't know where to start or how to fix this.

*rubs at her eyes*

I can't keep going without you. I love you. I need you.

*curls up, closing her eyes, simply waiting*