Goodnight, Gracie
Previous - this entry written on November 06, 2007 at 3:12 am - Next

I tried calling Puppy.

Twice. Ironic.

Look, I want it understood that no one's forcing me to do this, that it's my own fucked-up head and fucked-up heart. I'm only going to get worse - the medical problems I have, they're not fixable, not really, not without so much expense and effort and living in ways I couldn't bear living that I might as well be dead now, the bills will bankrupt us, the pain will keep driving me mad... it just... it all goes downhill from here.

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. Sorry because it feels like you wasted that money, sorry because you spent so many years trying to help someone who couldn't be helped, sorry that I even entered your life. You needed a daughter like Boots, someone who shares your beliefs, who is always there, who hasn't shut you out, who isn't a drain on you, who is a Good Girl, I've never been that and I know it and I'm sorry.

Cate, I'm sorry I didn't see what you needed, what you were, sooner. I hope I helped at least a bit. Plese, please, don't think I'm leaving because of you. If anything, I want you free to become the wonderful woman I can see you becoming, without the constant stresses that I put on you and the drain I am in your life. You're amazing, love. you've always been amazing. Smile, please.

Angel... this isn't entirely fair to you either, is it? We finally come together and then I leave. It's not your fault, I promise you. Enjoy your life, love. Now there'll be nothing pulling you away from it.

Torian, I miss you so much... but I know you need to be where you are, and I know that you'll find other women, and even men, and someday you'll be the sort of happy you've never been with me. I'm not here for you, not the way a Mistress should be, and I'm aware of that, and I'm so very sorry, theunre. Please forgive me, I know that this will hurt you, but understand that it's better to be hurt now than later. This way... you'll be free to find someone you can BE with, not just dream of.

Radu, I love you, and you know that. I'm not what you want, though. I'm never going to be the one you cry over, the ones you chase, the girl of your dreams, I'm just the fallback, the friend, the dark secret. You don't need me, not the way I need you, and maybe it's time we both admitted that.

Kadin. Kadin, gods, kadin, youd on't know now many nights I've cried, missing you. I'm sorry I failed you. Think of me kindly, when you remember me, know that I loved you.

To everyone: I AM sorry. I know how much the death of someone can strain friendships, upset your life, I know that this isn't something I can do without affecting others, and I honestly wish it were otherwise.

It's what I have to do. I'm not really benefitting anyone, clinging on for this long. I'm miserable, I'm in constant pain that even drugs won't fix, I'm aching and sad and hurting and none of you deserve to be burdened with me. You've all been so wonderful... I... meh. I can't even stick to a few simple things, I can't stop taking drugs, I can't stop drinking, I can't stop crying right now, my fucking nose is running, I just... I'm a mess, and you know it, even if you don't say it to my face. I'm a fucking mess, and it's about time this mess got... taken care of.

I'm sorry it's taken this long for me to realize it.

It's 3:30 now. I'm not stupid enough to make a decision this permanent while still drunk. If I'm right, by about 8:30 the alcohol should be out of my system... which means by 9:00 I can take one last drink and lay me down to sleep again... and see you all the next lifetime around.

If there's a tombstone for me, there's only one line I care about having on it: She loved.

I do.

I love you all.

I should have died years and years ago.

I'm sorry.

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