Oh, yeah. I remember why I don't trust people. It's cause whenever I do, they fuck me over, insult me, hurt me, use me, leave me hating them and hating myself, and just generally piss me the hell off. That would be most of it, right there. That's why I don't trust people - too many bad apples.

So. Bad mood? YEAH. Webwork, helping Deb out, for a good 6+ hours. Hellish enough. Bad news, news I don't even want to THINK about. Insult to misery, I get a good six-seven buttons pushed by a friend. At least, I think it's a friend.

These days I'm not really sure.

Disappointment, too. I don't want to be disappointed. Hell, I go out of my way to make sure I CAN'T be disappointed, purely because days like this don't NEED ways to get worse.

I don't need new ways to hurt.

Out of anti-nausia medication, so I can't take my painkillers or antibiotics or any of the other pills I'm supposed to be throwing down my gullet. Tomorrow I go spend a few hours with my mother. Can you tell I'm just f'ing OVERJOYED to be alive, now?

Some days, it's tempting to take someone up on an offer that is repeatedly made.

Just... go.

One last hurrah, then it's over with.

No more waking up to wonder who's gonna hurt me today. No more falling asleep with a pillow over my head so no one else has to hear me crying. No more days spent wandering drugged or aching through them, barely aware, unable to stop clenching my fists because every step hurts so badly... no more frustration, no more disappointment, no more anger or rage or irritation.

No more me.

This is why sometimes I talk suicidal, folks: because it's either talk, or do. You can safely ignore this entry, mostly because of that. If I'm talking about it, odds are good I won't be doing it.

No, it's the long silences... the cheerful-but-vague entries, nothing really to say, place-fillers... those are the ones where I'm staring at one of my blades, or a fresh bottle of pills, or just closing my eyes and drifting.

Maniac-Depressive? Dunno. Bi-Polar? Dunno. Paranoid Schitzophrenic? Dunno. All I know is that it hurts to even be alive just now, and I'm really tired of it.