Your new signature file....it's rather curious how often that story has run through my mind lately. Even more amazing how much I've wondered which character I would be more likely to emulate were it to come close to true. My hope would be that Jason's role would fall on my shoulders.

You say you have a new task for me....and of course I welcome it. In fact, I plead for it, for the right even to have it forced upon me, my helplessness to you proven as a thousand times before, as a million times to come. To know that I am yours and can never escape you or that fate."

I love him. I do.

And I miss him. I miss the daily emails, I miss talking with him online, on the phone, in person more than anything else... I miss him. I miss the precious boy who could read one line from an Akasha story that I'd tacked into my signature line and somehow manage to turn me on, to elaborate, to let me know he noticed. He cared.

I miss feeling as if whatever I did, whatever I wanted, whatever I needed, it was ok. I could have it.

I miss feeling powerful.

I miss feeling safe.

I miss feeling strong.

That, I think, is the center of my depression. It's why re-reading old letters and old stories doesn't help. It's why I don't want to wake Caleb.

Because much as he wants to, Caleb can't help... and can't let me feel what I want. It's not... not there. Not the same.

Don't misunderstand, Caleb has given more to me, and for me, than anyone including Kadin ever has or likely ever will. Caleb is my sanity.

But this... when I need to be cruel, it's Kadin I wish for. It's Kadin I miss. The little clingy kittenboy, with tears in his eyes but so trusting, so willing... I've hurt him, badly, and it doesn't matter. If anything, it makes him want more. I don't know how he does it, I don't CARE how he does it, but I want it.

I want to feel in control again.

Right now, my life is so far out of control that it's not even funny. I don't have my boy. I don't have my safety net. I don't have ANYTHING. Not tonight, not when I need it.

I don't exist, tonight... which is why I keep being tempted by thoughts of not existing ever again.

I'm not strong, tonight... which is why I so desperately crave the strength that I found in Kadin's love and submission.

I'm miserable, tonight... which is why I would do anything to escape that misery, to put it away from me. Everything I try keeps making it worse, though.

There's this stuff, melatonin, it's supposed to help you sleep, to relax you. They say 'take two'. I took TWELVE and I still can't sleep.

Sleepytime tea, and Relaxing tea... cups full of them both. I still can't rest. I still can't sleep.

All I want is to close my eyes and have at least a few hours slip by without this much pain. That's ALL. That's it.

Talia, I take you up on your offer... percoset right now would be a godsend.

Grr... I wish I dared call at such a ridiculous hour.

Kadin... I know you're sleeping under a thin blanket tonight, for me. I know you've suffered, for me. I know you love me. I know you care.

I miss you.

I miss you so much I think I'm going to implode from it.