Wild Monkey Sex? Well, maybe... done in a hotel room, in the bedroom of a good friend, on the living room floor of said friend's house... you know, I've heard the phrase 'your ass is mine' used a LOT before, but never with such literal meaning. Getting walked in on by a lot of different people... finding out how many positions will NOT work... being thankful for my period, and even more thankful that he seems to enjoy the taste of blood... yeah, TMI. Too bad - you read this willingly.

He gave me a silver ankh necklace, the pendant perhaps an inch and a half tall, the chain silver and delicate and beautiful... it's all sharp edges and slick curves and memories, another piece of jewelry for my collection. He hand-fed me cold chinese food and licked my lips afterward. He gave me bits of my favorite candy bar, sprinkled over him... fun with food. It reminds me of pixie sticks and an over-used futon...

I got a letter from Kitten. I feel... not guilty, not ashamed, not anything I expected to feel. I feel sad, because I haven't been in contact... but I can't really help that. I feel lonely, because with Elru gone and Caleb sick and Kitten absent, it leaves a rather lonely Jax. I miss him... gods, I miss him.

Him, in this case, being Elru and Kitten both. Three men. I have three men in my life.

So I was talking to him and I finally managed to explain something that I had never found words for... I think it made him... content... to finally understand. It's kinda funny - if it wasn't for a loooong talk with Elru, I don't know if I would have found the words even now. He...

Ok, he was sitting on the sofa in the hotel room, and I was on my hands and knees, backed up against the far wall, looking at him... he talked to me, slow speech, words that hurt me so much I was crying, I wanted to run and hide... but he kept pausing in between the words... having me crawl closer... and back... keeping me distracted with my submission and with that humiliation that I need sometimes. He got me to listen to some pretty harsh stuff, things I didn't want to hear.

"You submit, you let other people hurt you and use you, because when you do you borrow a bit of their light, you feel like you matter, like you exist. You Domme, you hurt other people and order them around and even protect them because when you do, you have a bit of their light then, you feel like you exist. Someday you're going to realize that you have light of your own, that if you didn't no one would let you hurt them, no one would hurt you... the simple fact that they DO, that you can draw so many people and do so much, proves that you have light."

"You are beautiful, Jax. You are a people... not a slave or a Mistress or any of those other masks. You are pretty and beautiful without them."

"I love you, Jax-lady."

"The only reason you are able to keep listening to this is because of that submission. Your humiliation and arousal keeps you just distracted enough to make you listen."

(me)"I hurt inside. The truth hurts. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff."
(him)"Jax......... jump."

So I listened... it really did hurt. It hurt a LOT. I don't like having my psychoses dragged into the light of day and shown to me... I like to believe that it's all a fucked-up childhood and just 'my tastes'... but it's not. I want to hurt, I want to be hurt, I want to do that because I feel like for a moment, I am alive... I feel so dead, sometimes. I... maybe... I'm not dead. There must be some spark of life there.

Ear infection is pretty much gone, there's a bit of a cough and a scritch and an ache left but it's getting better. This is good. What is NOT good is that I've noticed I've stopped paying as much attention to work. I suspect myself of subconscious sabotage... I don't WANT to work at Stream, I don't WANT to be the responsible one. I want to be pampered and taken care of... or at the least, to have a job that doesn't eat up ALL my time and make me miserable.

I don't think I am likely to find a better job around here right now, though. I have to stick this out. Six months. I can do it. Besides, if I don't, I've no way to make sure I can get Kitten taken care of, and no way to take care of my Caleb, to even begin to help him out as I want to.

Someone once told me, "You are what you eat." Bullshit. I am not Tso Chicken, I am not a nice hard cock or a juicy pussy, I am not salad with too much italian dressing, I am not junior mints or anything else. However, I have noticed that a LOT of my strongest memories revolve around food... or eating... or some combination thereof. I remember sharing some bizarre chicken thing down at Saturday market with Elru... I remember feeding Alex bits of Gyros at the Market as well... I remember pixie sticks... I remember frozen candy bars... I remember eating chicken strips and talking about leaving someone who was hurting me... I remember the taste of cigarette ash, of leather, of a very happy woman, of pizza sauce served on well-suckled skin. I remember eating with my parents, with the Vicki household, with the Dixon household... I remember a Thanksgiving dinner with Scott and his mom... I remember eating watermelon in a park with Rie... (riebreasts, woohoo!) ...so many memories wrapped up in that.

I can't help but wonder if everyone links memories the same way. Maybe for some people, most of their memories are tied to smells... or some gesture or visual cue... or perhaps music, I know that a lot of people remember EXACTLY when they first heard this song or that. Heck, I remember too... I remember hearing 'To the Moon and Back' and sobbing... but I also remember eating stolen jo-jos, and the memories are equal. I remember the sound of bike tires on a path and how it felt to be half-naked as they whizzed past... I remember the way the computer lab smelled when the phone rang and there was a sweet, wonderful slave on the other end of the line... I remember the way Rhett's eyes looked the first time he truly hit me, that 'my god, she really WILL let me do it... wow... and she likes it, she gets off on it too, it's not just me, I'm not imagining it' look... I remember a million things. I don't know if it's really that most of them are food-related. I guess it just seems that way.

Yeah, this is a rather long entry. I warned you it was coming. I've had a lot of thoughts bottled up lately, and I haven't really had a chance to get them out.

I guess there's really no sane way to close this... so I'll just fill it with statements. Things that happened. Things I felt. Things I learned. I think... I think that in a month, I will look back, and it will be this last part that really makes me crack up laughing.

I cried on Elru's shoulder in the airport, and didn't feel silly doing it.
Eating at Denny's makes me sick.
When a man you are semi-dating walks in on you having anal sex with a man you have just met for the first time IRL, it's not going to be easy on him, even if he WAS expecting it and even if he HAD been warned.
There is no substitute for sugar. Nutrasweet is just gross.
I have no reason whatsoever to feel unloved.
Chinese food is always better cold.
Lactic beauty.
There's this show called Outlaw Star on the cartoon channel, and it's REALLY fun to watch late at night when you are snuggling someone after crying for nearly a half hour for no reason other than because you started your period.
Any man who will buy a woman tampons without either complaining, blushing, or cracking stupid jokes is worth keeping around.
It is possible to get rug burns on your knees while giving a blow job.
No matter how frustrated you are at someone, give it a chance, and give it time. Sometimes, it really IS just PMS.
In a universe full of people, it's not always easy to figure out which ones matter to you. If you DO figure it out, be thankful... the gods themselves don't always have such good fortune.
Clue is a game just LOADED with sick jokes, if you play it with the right people. And if anyone ever says to me 'Mrs. White did it with the candlestick in the lounge' again, I am going to turn beet red and start snickering... and then inform them that no, the candlestick STILL doesn't fit there, we tried.
I think one of the most complicated things in the world is realizing that you love more than one person. It hurts... and feels good... and you know that it's gonna suck, because there is no easy way to love more than one person at once, unless they love each other too. On a similar note, bisexual boys are WONDERFUL.
Long-distance relationships are depressing and very fun.
Never be afraid of someone you haven't met. You may think that person is going to be perfect and beautiful and talented and sexy and wonderful and everything you are not... and then you find out the person wears pink turtleneck sweaters, looks like she starves herself, and is a ditz.
When you promise someone something, be VERY careful, because you might regret it later... and because you might find yourself breaking it accidentally.
Men look GOOD in masks and tight black leggings.
All the sex in the world can't make up for missing someone.
Sometimes it's better to be honest... strike that. It's ALWAYS best to be honest. Sometimes it's just better to be honestly silent.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is realizing that no matter WHAT you decide, you will still be ok.
An even better feeling is that moment when you figure out that not only will it be ok in the future, but that really, it's ok now, too.

And last but NOT least: Marshmallow shake and pizza sauce actually DO taste good together.