...I am your joy and your regret...

Comforting to be here, halfway adopted by Jamie Household, knowing Grr Household is close. Safe, here. I miss my Caleb, miss him greatly, and am hoping he reads this and knows that I love him and that I miss him. That is one benefit of Dixon Household, frequent phone calls to California. *slight smile*

...I am your fury and your elation...

My hands are still trembling at odd moments, and I've not yet gotten a doctor to look at my spine. I am having a hard time deciding if I'm even going back to the clinic. I mean, I want to keep working on the allergy stuff, and I KNOW the I.V. treatment was helping... but it really scares me that when I called up after throwing up blood for 24 hours, in serious stomach pain (and YES, I can tell the difference between stomach pain, kidney pain, etc.), the oh-so-nice lady at the clinic insisted that the medication couldn't possibly be the cause of my misery. She said it was just my body acting up. Well, YEAH... but guess what, there's an actual CAUSE for it this time, and it is quite clearly those damned pills SHE gave me.

So yeah, I really don't want to go back there, I have a lot less trust in her and in the entire clinic now, for what should be very obvious reasons.

...I am your crisis and delight...

Kadin's feeling sick, Torian is Actually Updating, dammit, MUST find card again, call again, and hope it actually FUNCTIONS this time... then after I've talked with Torian for a while, should try to call Caleb and Kadin too. Communication and contact are wonderful things.

...I am your death and your decisions...

Music soothes, yes. And although now Portishead is playing instead of Alanis Morissette, it's still pleasant to have fragments of the earlier song. The one now... ehh. It would not be nearly so appropriate, nor so cheering, were I to start throwing bits from it into this mix.

There is a Ryan beside me, one arm wrapped around me, his head on my shoulder. Comforting warmth, comforting presence. It's really helped a lot over the last few weeks to have him here, to have me here with him... he's kept me sane and kept me functioning and kept me a lot happier than I would possibly be were I back in Gresham, curled up alone.

...I am your passion and your plights...

"The Archer", a Splashdown song, is playing now... and yes, I'm still quoting Alanis, gods know I've quoted from Splashdown often enough in the past. Pretty song, though. Any song that makes me feel so very happy is a good song indeed. It brings to mind so many things, moments spent listening to this song and leaning back in the spinning chair, staring at the computer-in-the-closet, knowing Caleb was sitting at the other computer, both of us so close... dancing to this song, letting it play when no one could see me, spinning and twisting and moving... lost in the music.

I always knew which direction my arrows were going. It didn't seem so at the time, but looking back... looking back, it amazes me how much I realized and how much I DID that was the right thing to do. No regrets. *soft smile* That's always been something I work for, yes.

...I am your welcomes and goodbyes...

Rhett should be coming online at some point today. Hopefully I'll catch him, whenever-it-is. I miss talking to him, and I'd like to introduce Ryan to him as well as introduce him to Ryan. It should be quite an interesting meeting.

See, Ryan's already gotten Kadin's OK, Caleb's, Grr's, and of all people, Angel's... if he gets Rhett's seal of approval as well, he's definitely a keeper. *soft smile*

Heh. Now on to "Beat Me". It's funny, every time I mention this song to a stranger they seem to think it's just about masochism. It's so very not. I play this for a thousand different reasons. Comfort, amusement, sadism, masochism, pleasure, lust, love, depression, tears, pain, relief, millions of things that all tangle together into a rush of emotion-sensation that outweighs anything unpleasant and only adds to the things I enjoy.

*chuckles suddenly* ...and Ryan is singing the song in my ear. Leaves me wondering how he interprets it, how he means it today... and he's just said he doesn't. *grin* Simplifies things.

Ok, can't help it...

...I can't be the calm, your bottle of wine, I have to be a quarter, not a nickel and dimes, I want to be the prayer answered when you meet me, the pain, the bat, and the blood when you beat me...

"Actually, I do mean a little bit of the chorus literally, but that's ok", he says, and again tangle of emotions... curiousity, pleasure... not often, you see, that people MEAN music. Usually they play it for the sound of it, or because it caught their fancy. I... when I play music, there is ALWAYS an emotion or sensation or thought I am trying to express. The only problem is that it's not always the first thing people think of when they hear whatever song, it's the first thing ~I~ think of when I hear the song. This leads to confusion, as you can imagine.

...the pain, the bat, and the blood when you beat me...

Odd mood swings, twisting trembling thoughts, pain... the pain grows swift, now that I've been awake for a while. But somehow, still, I'm happy.

...and I love you still...