I Make My Head Hurt
Previous - this entry written on November 12, 2001 at 6:08 pm - Next


Disclaimer: the following is written in a VERY odd, vicodin-enhanced mood. It may not be accurate or at all useful in the future. It is only guaranteed to be true NOW, as I am writing it... and that said, feel free to disregard it. It's a dangerous bit of information that should not be allowed to run loose, generally. It also needs to be said.

- End of Disclaimer

I want to be raped.

Now, I'll clarify that a bit.

I'm really horny, have been on and off for a while now, and because of my kidney stone, I can't do much about it willingly, nor very often, because it HURTS. So what I want is a sadist to rape me.

There actually IS some logic to this.

See, the way my mind works, particularly right now when I'm feeling oddly submissive due to the lack of willpower courtesy of vicodin and codeine, someone else's pleasure is important. If someone else can take pleasure from my pain, then suddenly the pain becomes more acceptable, easier to deal with.

If I were fucked, viciously used, by someone... well, even though it would hurt, the pain would have MEANING. Plus I'd get laid.

I want to be used by someone who will make it perfectly clear that I have no choice in the matter, that I am going to be fucked whether I like it or not, and that they would prefer it if I didn't like it.

I want to be used by someone who will make me cum at least once, maybe more... not because they care whether or not I feel pleasure, not because they want me to enjoy it, but because they know how much an orgasm will make me HURT in the end, and they want to see me suffer.

I want to be used by someone who will fuck me hard, then shove me onto the bed or into the cage (along with plenty of blankets and pillows, please let me nest or I won't be good for anything afterward) and tell me to 'stay'.... and quite happily beat me if I try to move off the bed or climb out of the cage. Someone who will, for at least a little while, give me NO doubt as to what my place is.

I want to be abused... not long-term, not to the point where it is truly damaging... but at least a little bit. I want to be teased, aroused... or when I'm hurting, I want to be tossed a few vicodin, handed a glass of water, and told that I'm only getting them to 'shut me up'... or as a reward for being a good piece of fuckmeat...

...I know.

Not the Domme-Jax talking here. The Domme-Jax has enough problems, and isn't all that good at coping with pain. 'Lil helpless subbie-jax is a bit better at it, as long as the pain is for someone else's pleasure and amusement.

Now keep in mind, this is how I feel NOW.

It may change.

If it changes, I might fight, might argue.

Even if it doesn't, I might fight and argue.

*sigh*

I'm a very confused Jax.

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