Please understand, it isn't always so sudden. Most of the time I know hours, even days, in advance. I can feel it building, feel myself starting to want this activity or to see that look on some helpless boy's face... or just wanting that helplessness, period. I know in advance, usually, when the sight of someone on their knees won't draw out my usual joking purr but an actual hungry smile and hands clenched behind my back to keep from jumping on them.

Most of the time, it's like that. Building. Frustrating, but... controllable.

Sometimes it's different, though. Some mornings I wake up feeling fine, maybe a bit tired, maybe cheerful, just standard normal Jax... and then at some point it's as if a switch in my head is thrown and the entire world looks different.

Everything that my gaze falls on I start looking at through a kinky lens, as it were... clothespins, rope, scissors, hairties... even phone cords and stamps, scotch tape, plastic spoons, it doesn't matter what, suddenly it's all toys. I'm sitting, abruptly, without any warning, in the world's largest BDSM toybox.

And nine times out of ten, there's no one there to share it with me.

See, these sudden moments don't happen very often when I am with one of my boys, or someone who is even a potential toy. Those times, the possibility is already there, I've thought about it, it comes up gradually. No, the surprise comes when I'm being as innocent as I ever get and then wham, all I want to do is torture some little boytoy until he's clinging to me, sobbing, begging for mercy.

It's kind of terrifying, the speed with which those cravings arrive. Like getting run over. No choice, no time to do anything, nothing but this moment of stunned awareness and a little voice in the back of my head going 'oh, shit'... then boom. Hunger. Need. Rage. Desire. Lust. Cruelty. It all boils over and I'm left quivering, pacing, frantic to satiate the desperation that's clawing at me.

Occasionally the trigger is something obvious - a movie or song that really affects me, a short story that gets me in the mood, someone in what really IS a suggestive and submissive pose... a whimper, a pleading whisper, even the right sort of smile can push me over that edge. But just as often I can't really trace it to anything; all I know is that my Hungers are here, full-force, and if I don't do something about it I will end up curled up in a little ball, shivering, aching, a junkie going cold turkey.

See, it's an addiction for me. Not a physical one, but a mental addiction. When I need my fix, I NEED my fix, and nothing else will do... if I'm conscious enough to even remember my own name, I will be pacing within the confines of my own head, frantically plotting and planning some way to get what I need.

I wonder, when I feel it coming on, when the first shakes hit me, if it's like this for any of those who seek me out. I wonder if any of my boys feel this sharp craving, if they need the kiss of my whip and the sting of my words and the terrible pain I share with them as strongly as I need to give it... or if for them, it's about seeing the relief on my face, if they need to be needed, want to be wanted. If, perhaps, their pleasure is found in pleasing me.

Either way... I can understand it. I've felt it. I've been there. Hell, times like this, I AM there.

It leaves me wondering and confused, for just a moment...

...then it leaves me nothing but the unending hunger and I once more stalk toward the trembling boy who has seen the change in my gaze, watched my movements shift, slow... he knows what is hunting him now and he is afraid.

I love that fear. It's what finally quenches my hungers. Their fear... their pain... their misery... without that, there's nothing. This is why I rarely play with masochists - too many of them don't FEEL the things I need to see within them. A few precious ones can take the pain, want and need it... and are still fragile enough mentally that I can hurt them there, wound their heart or their mind, and feed doubly.

I know. You didn't really need to know this. But I needed to write it and this is my journal. *shrugs slowly*

Yeah. I'm having one of those times right now.

Yeah. There's no one here to satisfy.

Yeah.

I wouldn't give it up for anything.