From about November on, I've been a space case. Not entirely aware of ANYTHING. This last weekend I was online all of twice, both times long enough to update and read maybe a tenth of my emails before I headed off again. I am not a trained monkey, thank you, and it's winter, and my life is/was tumbling quite merrily out of control.

Hello. My name is Jax. I WARNED you, I f'ing warned you, don't say I didn't.

I have NOT fallen in love over the weekend. I am actually quite proud of that. However, what I HAVE done is discover that there is something that... well... hrm. Imagine experiencing an earthquake, and having someone ask you if a truck just drove by. I've just experienced Emotion X, and people ask me if I'm in love.

His name is Ryan, and we clicked. Not puppy-dog eyes, not love exactly, but it's HELLA intense. It's... geh.

Imagine waking up to realize that a) you were putting a puzzle together in your sleep, and b) you woke up just in time to see the last piece fall into place. That's what this last weekend was like. I am going to introduce him to Caleb since I have this sneaking suspicion there will be definite sparks there, of the good and yaoi kind. *grins*

I have been fighting with OHP, Kaiser, CareOregon, and assorted doctors. I am losing spectacularly.

There's this inability to find anything truely aweful or urgent now. It's not apathy, it's just the feeling that whatever it was I needed to find, needed to bring into my life... it's all here. Maybe not all PHYSICALLY here, but... all here. Everyone accounted for. All emotions present. I've finished the checklist, we can lift off for forever now.

*twitches*

I've been drugged, drunk, medicated, seriously distracted, or without 'net access for most of the last 7-10 days.

Voice.

Torian, call between 2-3 pm and 8-9 pm Pacific Standard time, my time, you'll find me here except Mondays and Wednesdays (doctor's appointments). If I'm not here, bug Grr for the number of wherever-I-am. I am QUITE willing to talk, but can't promise you sobriety or rationality. I am not promising it for ANYONE of late.

Here I am, Universe. Here I am, take your best shot, I'm almost happy, so how are you going to fuck me over this time?

I spent part of the weekend curled up in the arms/paws of a Storm Tiger. We talked for hours and hours. We... yeah. Connection. Click. Perfect moments. Weird - two weeks' time and I feel like I've known him a lifetime... the closest I can come to explaining this is how I felt when Caleb and I met.

That.

The... scratching who is this hello snuggles see you again obsession hours turn to days talking without end...

That.

I am STILL not coherant. I just finished throwing up - tried to eat an entire can of soup and my body apparently thinks I don't get to eat today. My side is back to a pulsing painful agonizing thing.

This SUCKS.

And yes, at the same time I am happy.

And SERIOUSLY confused.

I got to draw zebra-patterns on a cute redhead's breast while she smiled up at me. I got to draw odd abstract sharp designs on the back of a fragile hyper boy while he sniffled and purred. I got petted. I got drunk. I got lost. I got laid. I got to wake up and realize that HEY. It's ok.

It's ok.

Echoing in my head, over and over, song fragments.

There's a new-ish song by Avril called "I'm With You" - it's been in the back of my mind for three days now. Add in "Meet Virginia" and "Just Like A Pill" and "Love Me When I'm Gone" and "Bed Of Roses" and "Always" and "Ava Adore" and "Spark" and........ yeah. You get the idea.

I'm going to close this. I'm going to curl up and dream, if I can... maybe throw up again, maybe drink something, maybe I'll just go play on my keyboard for a while. Maybe I'll go for a walk in the rain.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm finally, completely sane.

Maybe.

I really am at a loss for words here, oh Reader. I have been falling for a month and a half now, and for the first time since I started tumbling, I think I might be able to see ground. I think I might be able to catch myself.

I think it'll all be ok.

So yeah, here I am, universe. I know your tricks. Fire, flood, famine, and still I'll be smiling.

I am not of this world, merely in this world.

I do not accept this reality, I accept all realities.

Lightning strike, my heart racing and my mind dancing and my body pulsing and here I am, HERE I AM...

...and I am NOT going away.