...if you had one shot...

...lose yourself in the music, the moment...

...you want it, you'd better never let it go...

...alcoholic kind of mood...

Strange day, and I've only been up for half an hour. I should be working on graphics, should be working fast and hard, I need to get alphabets finished and up for a stamp buyer.

...looking out for number 1...

...different partner every night, so narcotic, out of sight...

...and it all breaks down, role reversal...

My head is pounding, traces of a hangover, and a hunger for things I know I can't have. Can't afford, or can't reach, or can't find, or just plain CANNOT HAVE SAFELY.

And damn it all, now "Bloodsport" has joined the mix.

Shit. *cancels an appointment for today 'cause she forgot the prep, growls angryily at herself* Shit shit shit... I needed this... SHIT...

...what I REALLY need is a new f'ing memory. Or a boy here full-time to keep track of my appointments - I'm not very good at it. *arghs*

*soft smile*

...and one of my boys just realized something I hope they all know, all the time... I love him. I love them. How could I not?

MY boys... my Caleb, my Kadin, my Torian.

Wednesday, Oct. 16, 8:20 am. Pick up a prep kit.

Rescheduled test.

Gods, life sucks. This is another one of those 'who the fuck am I kidding, this is going to be hellish' kinds of tests. I keep putting it off, 'cause I KNOW I won't be able to cope with it yet. Too close to the last few bits of hell.

Yes, hell IS the appropriate term.

Today, 6:00 pm, I show up at Pain Management to get the time-and-date-and-place for the other version of it, where I will show up.

Talking online.

Breathing.

Hurting.

...one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted...

...one moment...

...could you capture it?...

Terrible ache as I think about the coast, living there, growing up... moments when time seemed to slow, as if it was all a movie, some sadistic director making me suffer, extending the pain, the torture, the hurt, the tears, the cold looks and colder voice and the heat of someone shoving, pushing, invading, rough harsh feeling when it should be sweet...

...addicted, finally... not to drugs, not back then. Not to drink, I wouldn't touch the stuff. No, addicted to something else that I've never gotten over, and maybe never will.

...'cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime...

...all the pain inside amplified by the fact that I can't get by...

...you want it, you'd better NEVER let it go...

I'm worried.

That, it seems, is Ground Zero for a Jax. Forever fixed.

*another soft, faint smile*

...at least one thing isn't worrying me today, though. At least one thing is going right. At least one thing is getting better.

At least one person is... gods... wonderful.

I'll be eyeing the snailmail today... my email boxes... messenger, when I get a chance...

...ever wonder if you were really born into the wrong life, or even the wrong lifetime?

Amazingly enough, today I don't wonder that. Even with the worry and stress and pain... even with the hell some of this has been... I want THIS life.

THESE friends, THESE loves.

This moment...

...this chance...

...and I WILL seize it.