I've got lots of time on my paws.

I've got a lot to think about.

"You wear the scars of passion / and since the crashing came / you've broken every promise / I walked away / I watched you fall / I was blind to ya / was lying to ya / everybody else who watched you fall / they say they love you but they're / laughing / when you crawl..."

I've been thinking a lot about Nreshan lately. Wondering. Trying to figure out what it is about him that puts people on edge, why they're jealous.

"It's such a weary feeling / when you've been stealing from yourself / wishing the world away / blaming someone else / no one can do this for you / straighten your hair / fix your face / take all the pain and solitude / wash it away / hey / I watched you fall..."

I worry about him, as much as I worry about anyone I care for... sometimes, even more than that. In a sense he's mine... only a vague sense, true. A long-standing joke, a few words spoken when he or I was feeling... odd... and my knowledge of the hungers he carries inside himself. That's all. No steel threads. No love, at least none that either of us will admit to. Nothing. And yet I feel posessive.

"Did I hear you / did I try / can I forgive myself / for not standing by / I watched you fall..."

He can't help his needs, any more than I can help mine. He can't help the tangle of fate and fortune, of emotion and empathy and a desperate need for pain... and I know how it goes, I've seen his story, hell, I've written part of it. I know how it feels. Gods above, I know how it feels, and it's not fun.

Perhaps that's a large part of why I worry about him, why he draws me. Most of my pets and playmates, although I can briefly see through their eyes, it's... rarely, if ever, like this. With Nreshan, it's as if I can see his soul, and it hurts. HE hurts. I keep wishing that I could make the pain stop for him... which is strange, since I'm usually wishing this about the same time that I'm wishing I could chain him down and beat, fuck, claw, or otherwise sensation-wise leave him senseless.

Strange puzzle.

Snow wrote again. "Fesh Fesh", and I can't help remembering the way his voice sounds when he says that. Makes me nervous that I can remember it so clearly. This is... not abnormal, exactly, but a sign of something I'd intended to avoid.

I frightened Kitten, earlier... hurt him a lot, partial repayment for my own pain. And although I DO think I was justified and although I DO think he deserved it, Grr explained something to me. She pointed out that Kadin knew perfectly well that I don't 'do' the marriage thing, that it was something I had tried not to think about much... and yet here I was, turning his entire picture of the universe upside down, acting all girly and crap... no wonder he joked about it, treated it lightly. Self-defense... what else could he do?

I've forgiven him, at this point. I love him too much, miss him too much, not to. And now I think I might have to apologise, too. Not much... dammit, he DID piss me off and DID treat it a bit too lightly. But... yeah. I think I was a bit too cruel. Maybe more than a bit.

I love him, and I don't want him miserable for long. I know he won't have slept well tonight... but when he wakes up, hopefully he'll get the messages I passed along. Hopefully they'll let him know that it's all ok, that I love him, that I need him in my life... that no matter how pissed I am at him, he'll never truly loose my protection, my friendship, and my affection. He's mine, and I take care of my own, always.

My boy.

This... it was meant to be a simple entry. It's becoming something more, I think. One of those entries where things just sort of spill out. Things like the fact that I am STILL jealous of Elru's young pretty, even though I have pretties of my own. That it hurts me not just because he's with someone else, but because I want to be that someone, I want to give him what he needs and wants. It hurts me that I am not, cannot be, what he needs.

The cage is very empty. I just thought I'd mention that.

I'm going to be doing graphics for Thomas soon, maybe practice for BlackFox's graphics in the process. I'm going to talk to Dashwood, cheer him up, pretend to be someone perfect. I'm going to play Starcraft with Caleb, enjoy myself. I'm going to drink cola, pet the cat, and just try to relax.

There's going to be a crowd of people here over the weekend - Grr, mind some company? I don't want to be here if I'm going to have ten zillion people coming in to use the bathroom. I won't be able to relax. *sighs* No, I won't invade you for the whole weeked... but at least one day of it. Megan says Sunday or Monday night would work best, btw.

And now I'm going to bed. *yawns* I need another nap.