Jax Should Not Listen To Counting Crows Music While Using Photoshop
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It's not subtle. It's certainly not going to be reassuring. Then again, neither is sitting here at 2:30 in the morning, staring at the ceiling and wondering just where I went wrong, ~when~ I went wrong, if maybe this could have been prevented years ago.

*deletes about three paragraphs*

Weakness. I've... heh. I've avoided, this one time, these hundred thousand times, saying the one thing I know I'd regret. I may have mumbled it late at night, may have mentioned it in passing, may have had a Dramatic Moment and announced it, then ignored it for weeks afterward until I forgot that I had ever spoken of it. But... over all, I've avoided it. I've been so fucking careful, you have NO IDEA. I've been patient beyond all reasonable belief, beyond every line I drew for myself, over and over and over again fighting with myself to keep calm, keep looking amused and grinning and joking.

*curls up* It goes badly so often after those words, those emotions, those thoughts. Everything changes and the precious thing I saw so clearly suddenly is gone, out of reach and out of existance and all that's left is the shadow of it, fragments of a dream that can't be kept past the first few minutes of morning.

don't try to fix me
i'm not broken
i am the light
living for you so you can hide

God damn it. Evanescence lyrics now. Did I ever do what you said I did? I can't see it, not anywhere in the past. No mention in my journals, no words to say hey, once, yes, this was real. Once, however briefly, I had what I wanted in my paws. Once... and then what? What happened, what shattered, why did it end?

Whatever it was... gods, if I could remember, would it help me keep from making the same mistake twice, would it at least keep me from this endless wondering, from the long hungry looks that you don't feel, can't see, from the achingly painful dreams that leave me trembling in the morning, from the knowledge that just one word means so much to me and nothing to you?

It... bothers me... that you don't understand it. Don't see the meaning. And yet, if I point it out to you, if I ever have to tell you what it means, what it's meant for so long I can't even remember the beginning of it...

...it would cheapen it somehow.

i don't care for much
i wanna have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice when I'm not around

If anyone was wondering, yes, I'm an idiot. Only in the early mornings when even the presence of someone I love, the knowledge that I am safe and cared for, isn't... enough.

The times when I want...

...the times when I want everything.

And obviously, that's always going to be more than you can give.

I'd settle for just a few things... a few pale scars, a few hours of time, a few long nights, a few minutes spent listening to your voice, a few reasons to belive that maybe, someday, I could have more. But that's still more than you can give, isn't it?

I will always want it. I'm sorry.

*shrugs* I censor myself because you might see this. I post it at all because I'm hoping you'll know it's you I speak of.

I'm an idiot in the mornings. I think I need more sugar.

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