I think he honestly thought that a few pretty words and a couple "I'll try" phrases was enough to instantly make it all ok again.

No.

The apology, I was owed.

The 'try'? Ok. Yes. Try. I'll be around, and I'll be trying too, and I will be hoping for the best. But I am NOT going to assume it'll all be ok, this time. Not yet. You show me you're trying, you show me that it wasn't just words, and... yeah. *shrugs*

Oddly enough, this time I actually hadn't set out to hurt him. I wanted to explain my side of things, and hear his side of things, and go from there. Going from there - that's what I'm doing right now. I left without hugging him goodbye, and I wish I'd stayed, and I teased him while I was there.

I didn't hug him goodbye because I didn't - don't - want him believing that everything is ok and life can go on just as it did. No. Wake-up call, this is the 2x4 here. Life is NOT ok, nor will it be until I see that he's actually making an effort in this.

I teased him because I desperately wanted to fuck him, wanted him so much that my entire body was flushed and tense, and couldn't keep my hands off him even when I tried.

I wish I'd stayed, because then there wouldn't have been the goodbye confusion, and I could fall asleep snuggled up to him, and talk more, or just sit around reading, or whatever, and would not have had a huge screaming match with Grr.

Aeenzawthi: still would like to know more about the strange "goodbye". atleast, it felt strange.

Jax In Furs: *shrugs* I told you what I'd decided... it seemed... I guess it seemed as if hugging you goodbye was the wrong sort of message, somehow.

Aeenzawthi: I think teasing me before you left and then NOT hugging me goodbye did that rather well.

*** [email protected] signed off at Tue May 21 03:20:59 2002

I truly hadn't meant to hurt him tonight. I hadn't meant to make him suffer tonight. I wanted to make things clear, and apparently I stepped over the line between 'clear' and 'downright rude'.

I apologise.

I'm sorry for hurting you, for offending you, for upsetting you - and/or all of the above.