I almost wish it wasn't - I feel unprepared, goddess knows why. I know that I actually am ready, that it'll be fine, and fun, and all. It's just stage fright, or at least something similar... that feeling that the world is watching, even though they're not. If I let my fear collect, let it build, it'll be very hard to fight it down later... so no fear.

I've got hunger instead. I'm letting that build, despite the fact that it tends to fuel my depression and anger and frustration. I'm hungry for one thing only, something I've not had enough of recently, something that, today at least, I believe I can never have enough of - the honest submission of someone. The sweet, delicious moment when I can see in someone's eyes, hear in their voice, read in their words, how completely I've made my claim.

I know I rant about this a bit, so I won't go over-the-top here. No poetic descriptions, no huge speeches. Just... yes, I really do NEED it. It's not just a brief, passing thing. It's not a faint urge, not something that'll just go away. It's like the tide... ebbs and flows, but it's never really gone, you know?

I'm talking to Rob. I don't want to be... I'm still not entirely willing to talk to anyone I know in person, I've barely even said ten words to Grr and goddess knows how most of the Vampire Game people are doing... but since Kadin is going to be living over there, I'm going to have to deal with him.

You wouldn't think it would be hard, dealing with him. Not considering that I know he's one of the people foolish enough to love me (yes, it IS foolish, if you haven't figured out that much already go back and read a bit more, you must be new here). But see, I don't honestly know if I love HIM... and I'm half-afraid that he expects me to. I thought I did at one point... but every time I tried to find reasons to defend him, every time I made excuses for him, every time he ripped me apart and I said it was just because he didn't understand, it tore off a little piece of that affection.

I stopped talking to him about the time I more-or-less went into seclusion. He... really hadn't reacted well to seeing Nick and I together. Which yeah, it's understandable. I'm not saying it was wrong. I'm saying it's something I was, and still am, unwilling to deal with. My boys know about each other. Know that I'm more than likely to be with one of the others at any given point. They accept this... Caleb knows that Kadin and Nick will have part of my time and affection, always. Nick knows that Caleb and Kadin hold my heart as well, that they are mine too. Kadin... he, perhaps, knows this better than any of the others, since he has not even met me yet. Already, two other men have touched me, held me, listened to me cry or laugh, watched me... and he has not. He knows his place.

Rob wants to read my journal - I told him he could. I'm not going to give him the address for it, though. It's not that hard to find, this is the nickname I use for quite a few things. He seems confused... and I suppose it's not the most rational thing in the world. I could just give him the address, yes. But he hasn't even asked nicely. Dammit, if I make Nre beg for five minutes of my time, what in the world makes Rob think that I'm going to hand over three months of it just because he demands it? *sigh*

...and I just got a nifty little message on MSN messenger, informing me I have a new email, from Mistress ???... yay! Have now read it... it's about 24 hours until the moment he'll have to walk out the door of the restaraunt with me, the moment when he'll realize that no matter what he does or says, this is IT. No turning back.

I'm glad the letter came when it did, or I'd be boiling mad by now. Rob has had that effect on me, lately... he alternates between being someone I want to protect, to talk to and hang out with... and someone I just want to slap silly until he wakes up and gets his head out of his ass.

*wry grin* No, I'm not editing this in the slightest. If he finds the diary, then he'll read what the rest of you do, which is whatever-the-hell I choose to put in here. I won't edit it for anyone, won't tone it down, nothing. This is ME. Unashamed... well, that's not strictly true. I'm ashamed, guilty, and generally paranoid. But I'm not willing to cut myself short for anyone. MY diary, got it? I get to write here. I don't explain what I write here, I don't often discuss it, half the time if it's mentioned I will politely pretend the mentioner didn't speak - no, emails aren't included in this, I'm talking about people I have to see every day.

Despite it being public, this is still a DIARY.

It's still personal.

Just because I write something in here, doesn't mean I'm ready to have a six-hour conversation about it. I write here because sometimes, it makes it easier to talk about. Sometimes, it just makes it easier to forget.

Tomorrow... I can't forget about that, though. It's coming closer. Almost here. Less than 24 hours, now... I'm nervous. Excited. Jumpy. I know that I'm going to be dealing with a 40-year-old, someone old enough to almost be my father, yes... I don't care, though. From what I've seen of his letters, he's interesting, both well-read and well-traveled... he's bright, quick, and someone I think I'll be able to talk to. This is good... S&M can only go so far, if you really can't stand the person.

Besides, I get good meals, get to see the town... and he keeps threatening to buy me a cocktail dress so we can go invade one of the ritzy parties that I wouldn't normally be allowed within a mile of. *grin* I love being spoiled... and that's what I get out of this. I get spoiled to high heaven, I get to do a favor for someone who is now quite a good friend, and I get a chance at something fun. I get his submission. *purrs*

Caleb just got back from taking Beth home. I keep getting all tongue-tied around her... gods, I'm a wuss when it comes to girls. I'm great with guys, I can tie most of them in knots and the rest of them tie ME in knots... but women? I feel like the class clown, only not a very GOOD class clown. It's terrible. The only females I've ever been able to really do well with and get along with are Rie, Grr, Angel, and I'm starting to do ok with Juliet... I still make a fool of myself around her sometimes, though.

God forbid I ever meet Christina Ricci - I'd drown in my own drool.