...but this one bit deep.

Spent a lot of time at the hospital today, five hours-ish. Too much time. Did a lot of thinking while I was there... not much else to do. Wrote a bit.

- the pain that you feel -

a dark little demon
lurks in your mind
feeding on misery
dining on fear
when the suffering stops
he'll manage to find
new words to goad you
catching your ear
he'll whisper your guilt and
tell you your sins
list all your weaknesses
until your head
echoes back all the venom
and the demon just grins
he knows you believe him
he wishes you dead

then the burn and the sting
becomes all that seems real
the demon is silenced
by the pain that you feel

There's a few more verses but I am NOT going to write those down here. They are in my junkie-notebook, and I intend them to stay there. Too many other things that need to be written.

Among those things is the fact that Arrasto is not online right now. I don't think much of this fact. It displeases me. *sighs* I know his schedule isn't mine, I know his life isn't mine, I know he isn't mine, and still I feel... almost angry, definitely hurt, and far too alone... when he's not around. Particularly now.

Now there is a Scott online and a long-distance-Grr. Neither of them are particularly comforting or soothing... and after the hospital, I REALLY want comforting and soothing. Not babying, not pampering... just the company of someone I can trust not to push the wrong buttons, not to be overbearing or demanding, not to go all Dom on me, even in the littlest ways.

Don't want humor.

Don't want joking and teasing.

Want the sort of company that understands why "Hurt" is playing in the back of my head, who knows how it feels to ache like this. Arrasto knows. Kadin knows. Alex knows but won't often admit it.

I keep wanting to write out something very specific, and keep deleting it each time I start typing it. Apparently it doesn't want to be said.

*blinks*

Then I'll keep it silent, for now.

Got to find a way to let it out soon, though. This is eating me alive.