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In other news... hell, there is no other news. Here, I'll do a tarot reading instead.

The first spread - this is just for me, about me. Four cards, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. A fifth, the Universe/Spirit card. I'll explain those as I go. Then there's the outer cards... one for Caleb, one for Kadin, one for Rhett, one for Nreshan, one for Juliet's Scott. Finally a fate card... this can always be changed. I don't believe I'm destined for any one thing, thank you.

First card, Earth - Justice. This is the card that represents my physical state. Justice is pretty self-explanatory... moving from injustice to justice, honesty, divine justice. I'd say physically, I made my bed, now I have to lie in it... a lot of my problems are either my own fault (getting pregnant) or failure to take care of myself (kidney stones, tooth problems).

Second card, Air - 6 of cups. This is my mental state, my thoughts... and this card is titled 'pleasure'. Extasy, sexual lust, romantic love... yeah, I'm happy, but it's my mind, not my heart. Something is still missing, something is needed before I can stop just thinking about it and actually experiencing it.

Third card, Fire - 8 of swords. Here's where my spiritual life plays out. This is the card of interferance and indecisiveness... uncertainty. Makes sense - I haven't had an alter up in forever, I keep saying I'm going to take up practicing again but not doing it. I want to talk to Angel but won't get off my ass and go down to the coast. Yeah, there's reasons for all of it... but they don't excuse it, and don't make it better. I don't know what to do... or rather, I won't choose what to do.

Fourth card, Water - The Lovers. This is where my emotions are right now. See, contrary to what you might think, The Lovers isn't a perfect card. Most illustrations show a man with two women... It signifies love, yes. But maybe a bit too much... a choice to be made between attraction and love. I mean, think about how many men I care about. Why can't I just choose one, hm? Or even just two... but I've got Caleb and Nick and Kadin in the lead, Rhett and Nre on the edges confusing the hell out of me, Scott off in left field... gah.

Anyway, the fifth card, Spirit/Universe - Two of Discs, the card of change. Since this is what represents the outside world and what it's going to throw my way, I'm not sure what to make of this. Adaptability and balance are what this card means... but it's a time of flow, of having to FIND that balance rather than having it handed to me on a platter. I... daya. I don't know what kinds of changes there will be. But somehow I'm not surprised.

Now the people cards. First, Caleb - Nine of Cups. Happiness. Pleasure and team spirit, a sharing, a blending... I like this.

Now Kadin - Princess of discs. Love, renewal, a new beginning... I'd say he's going to be ok and he'll stick around for at least a while.

Rhett - Ten of Cups, satiety. Abundance, harmony, material success and being understood. I don't know if I'll be the one understanding him... but he's going to be JUST FINE. *soft sigh* Somehow, it's almost easier when he's not fine... at least I feel useful then. But I can get past that.

Nreshan - The Fool. Again, no real surprise here. Somebody who can do all or nothing... the carefree person, free and unbound. The fool is just beginning his life journey. I'd like to hope he'd stay... but I'm just a starting point for him. I don't think that he takes this seriously... I can't really blame him, can I? He barely knows me.

Scott - The Sun. Success, material happiness, being content with relationships and profession. I... gods. I'd like to say that he'll be content to have a relationship with me, but I think it's that he's content to have NO serious relationships right now. He doesn't need a girlfriend, a mate... just buddies to hang out with, nothing more. I wish that didn't bother me.

Last card......

*actually bursts into tears* The Two of Cups. This is the card of love. "Harmonic Togetherness", according to the description... true, honest, unending love. This IS what I want to work for, what I pray for, what I want. Love. That pleasure that never fades, the stuff that dreams and romance novels are made of. I don't know who it will be with. Maybe a lot of people, maybe just one.

It's nice to think that I might get it, though. I hope it hurries. I hope that I wake up on the fifth of july and say to myself 'This is it. Kadin, Caleb, Elru. This is it.' And that I'm happy with that.

It feels... I don't know. False.

Too good to be true, might be a better way to put it.

I think this is going to end up being one of those nights when I want to hurt. I can feel it building... I'm staring at the Two of Cups and I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying aloud, "I don't deserve that. It's not for me. Maybe I'll love someone... but I'd be like a slave who loves her owner. Nothing better. I don't deserve anything better."

Which is total bullshit - I DO deserve to be loved, everyone does, right?

If that's true, how come right now all I want to do is curl up and cry? How come I can't believe it? What the HELL is wrong with me?