I Don't Understand Myself Today
Previous - this entry written on January 22, 2002 at 5:15 am - Next


Crawling in my skin
these wounds, they will not heal...

...and suddenly I am even more depressed.

I need new graphics.

I need a job I can actually DO.

I need money.

I need better health care and better health.

I need to be able to believe in myself again.

I need someone near me to hug and sleep beside.

I need strong drugs to at least briefly make the pain stop so I can GET some of the above.

Today I am so very not impressed by myself. Not when I look at where I am right now... sitting on someone else's computer, writing at 5:00 in the morning, depressed, sick, tired... alone.

VERY alone.

This is not good.

I don't care about being rich... I mean, I would LIKE to be, but it's not the world's most important thing.

I don't care about being flawlessly healthy, although NOT living with the imminant fear of death would be nice.

I do care about being alone.

I don't like it.

I can't do it.

It breaks me.

*sighs*

Someone remind me why it is that I can care so little about life and yet be so disturbed by the thought of death?

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