I Don't Understand Myself Today
Previous - this entry written on January 22, 2002 at 5:15 am - Next
Crawling in my skin these wounds, they will not heal......and suddenly I am even more depressed. I need new graphics. I need a job I can actually DO. I need money. I need better health care and better health. I need to be able to believe in myself again. I need someone near me to hug and sleep beside. I need strong drugs to at least briefly make the pain stop so I can GET some of the above. Today I am so very not impressed by myself. Not when I look at where I am right now... sitting on someone else's computer, writing at 5:00 in the morning, depressed, sick, tired... alone. VERY alone. This is not good. I don't care about being rich... I mean, I would LIKE to be, but it's not the world's most important thing. I don't care about being flawlessly healthy, although NOT living with the imminant fear of death would be nice. I do care about being alone. I don't like it. I can't do it. It breaks me. *sighs* Someone remind me why it is that I can care so little about life and yet be so disturbed by the thought of death?
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