When I hit 2000, will someone give me a cookie?

Yeah, it's 6 am. I was sleeping out on the couch - it's too damned hot to sleep upstairs, or was earlier - and woke up. Dunno why. Just... woke up. Felt like someone had walked over my grave. Now that I'm jittery enough to not be able to sleep... *sigh*

The jittery bit isn't being helped by the antihistamines. *shrugs* I found out that at least part of the sore throat and stuffyness goes away when I take 'em; however, courtesy of my reaction to antihistamines (allergic to antihistamines, how ironic is THAT?) if I take 'em I'm either too wired to hold still or shut up, too dizzy to see straight or stand up, or just plain passed out. Took a dizzy and a pass out before bed... the pass out wore off, I guess.

I am poinging at one of Torian's RL friends via a messaging program. I'm not even going to bother saying which messaging program because dammit, NONE OF THEM WANT TO RUN FOR FIVE CONSECUTIVE MINUTES! Argh. We ALL need better computers.

Geh.

I would like to be able to get back to sleep now, thank you... Rie's having a graduation party tonight. I was/am tempted to go, it would be very cool to see her and so forth. However, with no strong pain medication, the horrible heat we're having, and the fact that I would be stuck out there for goddess-knows-how-long without any way to be SURE I could leave when I wanted/needed to... no. *sighs* I need to hook up with her for coffee or some such.

I actually do have a link for you today, although I'm not sticking it up at the top. It wants a bit of explanation first. Master Wheelie posted something that really hit hard... not in a bad way, not in a life-changing way, just in a 'well, duh' way. I was talking with Rhett as I was reading it... fitting, since the person it reminds me of most is him.

It's odd. I've been frightened of him, I've ignored him, I've hunted him, I've lusted after him, I've been amused and unamused, pleased and displeased, I've cared and I've hated and I've loved and I've wanted and I've hoped I would never see or hear from him again...

...but really, through it all...

...he's the only one who has seen all of me, and accepts it. ALL of me. There are things I won't talk about here - things too personal, or too shameful, or too private, or too petty, to be put into text. But I know I could tell him anything. There are things that I don't want to think about, don't know how to deal with, and so I don't bring them up around most people. But I know that 99% of the time, he already knows... and the other 1% of the time, it's safe to tell him.

Rhett's pissed off a lot of people in the time I've known him, and some of them, I actually think he treated badly. I don't approve of everything he's done, goddess knows. He's sadistic, wicked, hurtful, vicious, overdramatic, petulant, and a bit too clever for his own good.

And at the same time, I would trust him with my life. I would trust him with kadin or caleb. I would unhesitatingly do what I could to help him and make him happy.

He's nowhere near perfect... but he and I mesh. We match.

He is also one of the reasons - perhaps the main reason - that I am NOT collared right now. See, I've seen him. I've heard him. I've watched him, felt his strength, his love, his desire. I know how good it can be; and the part of me that wants to submit, that wants to be owned, won't settle for anything less.

I...

...I respect him.

I can see myself through him clearly. Not a goddess, not a slut, not any of the things I sometimes think I am, not any of the things I want to be, not any one thing except... me. Just me.

He is the only mirror I trust to reveal flaws as well as facets. Everything I am is reflected in him. He is one of my dearest friends because of this, someone I can't imagine going through life without.

Do I love him?

We've had long late-night conversations about that, one or both of us drunk/drugged, slurred confessions and quickly-typed phrases... I'd say we poured out our hearts to each other but it wasn't like that, more like locking together puzzle pieces, his heart, my heart, it makes a complete, finished picture.

I trust him. I desire him, certainly. I admire his talents, his creativity, his imagination, his skill.

Love?

*sighs* Yes. I do love him. But it's not the same love I have for my boys. It's not... it's friendship taken so far and burned so deep that even 'love' falls short.

Sometimes I wish that he was just another obsession... sometimes I wish that I could love him the way he loves me... sometimes I wish that life were simpler, yes.

The rest of the time, I know that I've found someone amazing. Look back through my entries, if you're really bored. He runs through a lot of them. Ehh... actually, even if you were nuts enough to look back, you might not catch it... much of it is inside references, hints, a turn of phrase that mimics him or some thought he brought to mind.

Just... keep it in mind, ok?

What you see here in this journal, what I write, what I am, is in part due to him. I wouldn't want it any other way.

My pack of cigarettes and my pack of cloves are both in California. Damn. I want a smoke right now.