Not At Home
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Kadin did not arrive.

He was turned back at the border.

Why?

Because he used the word 'fiancee'.

He has been told he is not allowed back into the country until he can prove there is something "more important than me" here for him.... a job. A house. Some form of property.

They say he can't just visit.

They are afraid he'll get married and stay.

I've taken nearly 200mg of codeine, six vicodin, and a few advil (that's 24 codeine at 8mg each, you do the math).

I still hurt... physically, emotionally...

...I need my boy here, I was expecting him to be here, I was looking forward to his arrival.

He's not here.

Kadin did not arrive.

When I was finally certain that nothing he could do would get him here today, I wanted to die. For just a moment, I honestly and completely wanted to die. My boys mean that much to me.

I'm not going to London.

I'm not going anywhere, unless it is to get my boys, to be with them.

I need Caleb.

I need Kadin.

I need Nick.

I want to add two other names there, but I have not met them. I don't dare add them until I do.

One other name I have met, but I am also not sure if I dare add... I miss him too, even though I know I COULD see him, if I could just find some way to make the trip.

For now, leave it at three.

I need my boys.

I am going in for surgery, going to be unconscious, going to be scared until the moment I can't think at all, going to wake up frightened.

I was... relieved... that Caleb and Kadin would both be there, that way even if something happened to keep one of them away, the other would be there, that way I would see them both when I woke up.

My boys.

My kitten.

Kadin is not here.

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